New Year's Resolutions

Every January 1st I take time to reflect on the year that passed and how I can make improvements to be a better person. I know this is past January 1st but one of my resolutions is to stop procrastinating. At least it was going to be. I’ll finish the list a little later. I have to be honest, with each new year I find less and less to improve upon. Other than weight, general health, personality, attractiveness, memory, driving ability, personal hygiene, artistic talent, memory, intelligence, typing skills, temper, attentiveness and foosball prowess there really isn’t much. That being said here are my New Year’s resolutions for 2008.

Get in better shape and become the world’s strongest man. Go big or go home, that’s my motto. Currently I rank just behind Stephen Hawking so I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. In order to achieve this goal I may have to move to Iceland and change my name to Magnus.

Finish what I started. You hear me 140 piece puzzle of the Bay City Rollers I started in 1975? Only 136 pieces to go.

Take better care of my money. There are a lot of things that I waste money on. A solid gold diamond studded water dish for a dog! Come on. I don’t even have a dog. I also spend way too much money on haircuts. $4 a cut every 3 months for something I can do myself. Ridiculous.

Eat better. Just kidding, that should read – eat butter. Butter is nature’s greatest food and not only does it help me get in and out of my car (greasing myself up is just one of my weekend activities) but it tastes delicious on everything and I mean everything.

Stop peeping at the neighbours. My neighbours right now are hideous but they’re like a car wreck I can’t look away from. The woman looks like an old dish towel that somebody wrung out and has never regained its shape. If I get better looking neighbours this resolution comes off the list. Neighbours are free to peek at me to their heart’s content but despite my daily regimen of nude jumping jacks in front of the window I’ve had no takers thus far.