I've Reconsidered

Air conditioning is humanity's greatest achievement. Days like yesterday when the temperature was 27 Celsius but with the humidity felt like 214 made me come to my senses, or made me completely delirious from heat stroke but either way, I love air conditioning.

I'm not a guy who does very well in the heat. I sweat if I type too fast and every morning in the summer I wake up covered in a thick coating of what can only be described as a slightly less sticky version of corn syrup. I don't need a lot of material goods to make me comfortable; a mattress made entirely of koala bear fur, a pedicure and foot massage every 4 hours, a hot tub full of water imported from a pure mountain spring in the Himalayas and air conditioning so cold that I can make a skating rink in my living room.

Now with global warming we're supposed to turn down air conditioning to help the planet. Does this make any sense? Things get warmer so we should use less air conditioning. Incidentally, if, next winter, I hear anyone complain about the cold and then make a sarcastic remark about "global warming" I will kick them directly in the coodlesac. Just want to give fair warning.

I am willing to make a lot of concessions to help the planet. Do I need the clothes dryer running 24 hours so I can quickly getting a warm, fluffy towel when the mood strikes me? Probably not. Should I wait until I have more than a dirty spoon and cup before I use my industrial strength dishwasher? Good idea. Will I turn down my air conditioning and sit sweltering in my apartment sweating cheese curds to save the fragile marine ecosystems of Antarctica? I'm thinking no. Penguins and seals are cute but I don't eat them. Let me know if lobsters are in danger.

Humanity's Greatest Achievement

I'm going to tell you what the greatest achievement is but why don't you take a guess first. Putting a man on the moon? Nice try, but incorrect. The printing press? How about you pull your head out of your ass and give it another shot. Splitting the atom? Forget it, it's like I'm talking to a monkey. Humanity's Greatest Achievement is the Elvis Shake at Dangerous Dan's Diner. A delicate blend of chocolate ice cream, peanut butter and banana combine to make something that not only caresses your taste buds but feels like someone is making sweet sweet love to them.

Dangerous Dan's is located at Broadview and Queen and serves food that could kill a horse. The small poutine will feed a family of four.

I'm not sure where the name Dangerous Dan's comes from . Certainly the restaurant is not somewhere I'd ever feel safe setting foot in. I imagine rusty nails, used syringes and broken beer bottles littering the floor while former and future inmates grope at me and make catcalls.

Perhaps Dan is dangerous. A psychotic fry cook who will fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.

While these are both strong possibilities I think the name came from a doctor looking at the menu, shrieking in disgust and petitioning the Heart & Stroke Foundation to shut them down.

Below are the two most horrendous offerings:

The Coronary Burger Special
2 8oz Patties
4 Slices of Bacon
2 Slices of Cheddar
a Fried Egg on top
Served w/ Fries and Gravy

Quadruple C "Collosal Colon Clogger Combo"
24oz burger
quarter pound of cheese
quarter pound of bacon
2 fried eggs.
comes with a large shake and a "small" poutine

While I'd rather walk barefoot through a field of pig entrails and donkey vomit than enter Dangerous Dan's, I've got no problem with placing an order for delivery, setting up my defibrillator and salivating until the food arrives.

Whitchurch-Stouffville Strawberry Festival

Last Saturday I went to the Whitchurch-Stouffville Strawberry Festival. The festival itself was pretty run of the mill but they did have two of the most horrendous mascots I've ever seen. One was a strawberry, which makes sense based on the name of the festival, and the other was a large round yellow thing that I suspect represented the sun as it was standing at the Small Town Sun newspaper booth. Needless to say, after pushing a few kids out of the way, I got my picture taken with both of them.

The strawberry looked like a tomato that had seen better days. Monkey took the picture but it was a little too close and parts of me and Strawberry were cut off. I asked Strawberry if I could get another picture to which he/she replied "mmmphh", apparently the costume wasn't very conducive to enunciation.

After I got the picture taken with the sun she lifted up her mask and shouted at a kid passing by "Adam go home you're bothering everyone."

Jabberjaw has an obsession with mascots and may well have the largest collection of mascot photos in the world. The best part of her photos is that the majority of time the mascot doesn't even know she's there. She'll casually sidle up to a family that has gathered for a photo, or run beside a mascot, pausing to flash a smile to the camera, and then run off to the next one. It's an operation that requires split second timing and her husband Gook Gook is certainly up to the task. Because of her tenacity and stealth and Gook Gook's quick trigger finger Jabberjaw can been seen in more family photos at Disney World than Mickey Mouse.

On the drive to the festival I spotted a sign that read "Swimming Lessons - In Your Pool" which seemed to me like an ideal way to earn some money while getting free use of a pool. Bearing that in my mind I present the following courses:

• "Film Studies - Using Your Own Large Screen HD TV - act now and we'll throw in, absolutely free, How to Cook Microwave Popcorn in Your Microwave"
• "How to Cook and Eat Lobster in Your Kitchen"
• "Maximize Your Hot Tub's Potential"
• "Is Your Bed as Comfortable as it Could Be? Let Our Sleep Expert Be the Judge."
• "How to Make Love to Your Wife - Using Your Wife"

Relay for Life 2009

Sorry to keep you all in suspense for so long but I'm happy to report that the Relay this year was a rousing success.

Including offline pledges each member of the Super Karate Monkeys exceeded their individual goal and the team as a whole came in just shy of $6000.00 which is well above our goal of $5000.00.

The event itself raised over $222,000 which just blew the lid off the $154,000.00 goal.

Thank you for all your support.

Cobourg Highland Games Festival

The weekend before last I went to the Cobourg Highland Games Festival. For some odd reason I've always wanted to see the Heavy Events (hammer tossing, caber tossing, sheaf tossing). I was not disappointed.

I was unaware that the caber toss is a contest of accuracy rather than distance. The goal is to toss the caber so it rotates once and lands pointing straight ahead. Comparing the toss to the numbers on a clock, a perfect toss is 12:oo o'clock. The announcer kept yelling out "2 o'clock, 4' o'clock, 11:59" and I thought maybe he'd had too much of the sauce, after all the Games' motto is "Don't drink whiskey without water or water without whiskey". One caber toss came within about three inches of landing on some guy's van.

I did not get to see the legendary Kevin Fast compete as he was tossing later in the day and there is only so much bagpipe music a man can stand. Kevin Fast is a Lutheran Pastor with a doctorate degree in Ministry (D. Min.) who just happens to hold the world record for heaviest truck pull. Two disparate accomplishments that impress me to no end.

I did see his son compete in the amateur division of the heavy events competition. He looked like a young Jason Priestly and tossed the caber like . . . sorry, I'm not familiar enough with great caber tossers to make an adequate comparison.

One of the other events at the festival was The Blades of Glory (http://www.bladesofglory.ca/); a group of performers who teach medieval history while staging sword fights. Some of the performers are Talus the Dragonlord, Gunthar the Slayer, Throttigarr Stormbringer and Malcolm. I'm guessing Malcolm had a little trouble coming up with a fearful medieval name.

The performance was well done but the illusion evaporated when I saw Sir Frederick Wallace the Great having a smoke and reading People magazine.

Finally, one of the most ingenious things I have ever seen was a member of the drum corps resting a plate of poutine on her snare drum.

How many times have you been somewhere, a picnic, barbecue, some other crowded family gathering where you can't sit at the table because it's reserved for Aunt Ethel and Uncle Mortimer and all the other ancient, dilapidated relatives so you have to eat standing up and somehow precariously balance your plate and beverage while cutting your food into bite-sized pieces so you don't end up shoving an entire piece of cake in your mouth?

Well my friends your troubles are over. Behold, the Pearl Championship Aluminum Snare Drum Plate and Beverage Carrier.

Strap this on, secure your plate and beverage and your life just got a whole lot easier. Eat, drink, juggle - the possibilities are endless.