Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers

I love shopping at Wal-Mart but sometimes it’s so crowded that it gets a little frustrating. Here are a few tips to help us all have a more enjoyable shopping experience.

1. It is not necessary to bring the entire family to the store. Immediate family only. I know you want to share the joy with as many kinfolk as possible but if you’re just dropping in to pick up a new pair of overalls for Cletus because the old ones were destroyed when the septic tank exploded please leave all nieces, nephews, step-children, in-laws and second cousins twice removed back home in the trailer park.



2. If you must bring children please try check on them every half hour or so. I’m not asking you to actually stop, or even see, what they’re doing. Simply scream, “Junior what all is you all doin’ o’er there”. More often than not the reply will be “nothing”. Even if Junior is copulating with a Butterball turkey in the frozen food section if he says “nothing” there’s not much more you can do.



3. If you bring a cup of coffee or other beverage into the store and finish said beverage while shopping please find a receptacle to place the cup/bottle/wineskin into. This receptacle ideally will be a garbage can and its purpose is to hold discarded material. Do not leave the cup/bottle/wineskin on the closest shelf and expect the Wal-Mart pixies to turn it into fairy dust.



4. Shopping carts are a handy tool but when you’re done with them how about bringing them to the big covered area where they are normally stored. I know this will take an extra seven seconds out of an already hectic day but it will also prevent having to weave around them as you’re trying to park your car. Most shopping carts are now equipped with wheels and can be rolled effortlessly to the nearest storage area.



5. On the subject of shopping carts, don’t leave them sideways in the middle of the aisle while you are looking at a product. Try to get as close to either side as possible so people don’t have to ask you to move your cart while you stare slack-jawed at the DVDs trying to decide if you should spend a $140.00 on the complete series of “Too Close for Comfort” or get grandpa’s heart medication. I’ll make the decision a little easier. The complete series comes with a bonus DVD of never-before-seen outtakes. Grandpa’s a good man but he’s no Ted Knight.