I thought "chafe my ass" was a much more popular saying but when I Googled it I only got 40 hits. I guess that shows how out of touch I am with the youth of today.
While I'm going to write about things that irritate me this is by no means a complete list; only the things that have irritated me most lately.
Button Pressers (literally and figuratively) - People who press buttons after they have already been pressed and a light clearly indicates they have already been pressed. At an elevator is a good example. I press the button, the little light indicates that it has been pressed and an elevator is on its way, you, look at the little light and then press the button again in case I didn't do a good enough job. Do you think you have magic fingers?
Door Standers - I think I've already mentioned that my father has the uncanny, preternatural ability to stand directly in your way no matter where you are going. This ability increases exponentially if you are carrying something heavy and are in a hurry. If you were carrying a heavyset man out of a burning building my dad would appear through the smoke, block your way, and ask if you had a chance to watch "The History of Verbal Communication through Mime" because the host had a haircut that reminded him of you when you were eleven.
Door standers are not as good as my father, of course, but they do aspire to his ability. I have noticed this particularly on the streetcar lately where some people are drawn like magnets to stand in the doorway. I can understand this behaviour on a crowded streetcar but not when there are other options. Some of them are so self-absorbed that it never occurs to them that other people are on the streetcar and may want to get off. It boggles my mind that we let people like this out in public.
Smoking Door Standers - At first I was going to say that I hate smokers; but, that would be too general even for me. However, I do hate the smell of cigarette smoke and am happy that you are no longer allowed to smoke indoors at public establishments. This however does present a problem as the smokers all huddle by the door and anyone who walks in or out has to carve a path through the miasma.
Bicyclists - Again, I can't say that all cyclists irritate me but I have seen very few that follow the rules of the road. My view is, if I have my right turn signal on and you try to pass me on the inside, you deserve to be run over, or, at the very least be forced to wear those ridiculous shorts to a formal function. I admire cyclists for their commitment to the environment but stop freaking complaining about how you should be treated like an equal vehicle on the road if you sail through stops signs, ride on the sidewalk, pass on the inside, ignore red lights and pass open streetcar doors. You can't have it both ways (unless you're bisexual and you're not, you're a bi-cyclist).
Motorists who don't use turn signals - There's nothing that burns my toast more than pulling behind somebody in the left hand lane only to have him turn on his signal as soon as the light changes and then I have to try and get in the right lane to go around him. I realize that on occasion you'll pull up to a light, be lost in thought about what a deep fried Mars bar surrounded by Honey Crullers and then deep fried again would taste like, and then snap out of your reverie and flick on your turn signal much to the vexation of the motorists behind you. However, the number of times I've been behind somebody who turns on his signal the second the traffic light turns green leads me to believe that some people just don't know what signals are meant for. They are used to signal your intentions, and here's the key part, in advance, so other people can act accordingly.
It doesn't help to tell someone the chair has wet paint as she sits in it; or his drink has a bug in it as he takes the last mouthful; or the girl he likes is actually a guy as he . . . well you get the idea.
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