Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Fashion & Grooming Tips

I'll preface this entry by saying that I am by no means a fashionista, stylish in any way or even confident wearing button fly jeans (which explains that embarrassing incident at the petting zoo all those years ago). However, if I restricted my opinions only to things I knew something about I wouldn't write at all so here are my tips on how to not look like a disgusting idiot.

1. If you are under the age of 75 and are not Johnny Depp do not wear a fedora. It doesn't make you look hip, it makes you look like a pretentious douche trying awfully hard to look hip. Johnny Depp, of course, can wear anything he damn well pleases.


2. Long hair is fine. Two or three long hairs growing out of a particular body spot is not fine. Look at the picture of the man below. His hair is neatly trimmed, he has shaved within at least the last couple of days, he's angry about something, but that's beside the point. If you focus on the right of the picture, on the lower part of his cheek, you can see hairs, approaching three inches, growing there. How do you shave your face and not notice a tarantula leg growing out the side of it?

Hair hidden by clothes does not give you an excuse to let it grow. You know it's there. The shame should be enough to spur you into action.



3. If you have a ponytail coming out of the top or side of your head and you are not dressed, in a manner that exudes sarcasm, as a ditzy sorority girl, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you might want to consider a career in the field of carnival ride operator.

4. You should only wear something if you find it comfortable, or at the very least, not uncomfortable. I can understand looking like a fool for the sake of comfort. It's the reason we see so many fat, old men and women in velour tracksuits. But to look like an idiot and still have to pull your pants up every 15 seconds? that's just beyond me.


5. If you're ugly don't do everything humanly possible to make yourself uglier. I realize that ugly is a subjective term but if dogs run yelping and children burst into tears when you're around chances are you're not going to be cast in a Motley Crue video anytime soon (yes, that is the universal standard of beauty). In defense of the young "lady" below the piercings may not have been done on purpose but may be the result of someone firing a nail gun at her while screaming "die, horrendous swamp zombie, die."

2 comments:

Kamlesh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cheryl said...

i gagged at the tarantula legs on the mans face.. yech