Just Another Weekend

Friday night I went to see Dan in Real Life. Good movie, not great. I'm a huge Steve Carell fan and while this movie had some incredibly funny parts I would not classify it as a comedy. That was my exciting Friday night.

On Saturday I went to my dad's. He lives near Bowmanville so it's not too far of a drive. A friend asked if she could park in my driveway on Saturday because she and a couple girlfriends were taking a fourth girl out for her birthday and they wanted to take one car and my place was a convenient meeting spot. I said that I didn't give a rat's ass, which I've been pretty fond of saying lately, and that my standard parking fees of $20 per half hour or part thereof would still apply. So the four of them met on my driveway and proceeded to blindfold the girl whose birthday it was because they wanted the final destination to be a surprise. Just as they were shoving her in the car my brother rounded the corner to see three Chinese girls trying to get a fourth, blindfolded, Chinese girl in a car. I had to explain to him that although I hadn't signed all the paperwork yet we were starting either a sweatshop or a massage parlour in the apartment.

Sunday was a pretty dull day. I spent the majority of time "smiling" at girls, who are completely out of my league, on Lavalife. Lavalife is an online dating service in which a person enters their specifics (height, body type, religion, ethnicity, salary, smoker, drinker, kids, education, etc) and a biography. A typical profile is something like:

"I'm a single white down to earth gal looking for an easy going guy. I enjoy hanging out with my family and friends. I'm just as comfortable in jeans and t-shirt as I am in a full length ballroom gown. I'm looking to meet someone who is funny, intelligent, thoughtful, kind and ambitious. I'm not into mind games so if you are please don't respond to this ad."

Let's dissect this shall we. You're a single white female. Fabulous, the last dating service I signed up for was all married people. Oh and being female is great. I don't want to give away too much but after my last date I couldn't walk properly for a week. And you're white; thank god you told me because even after seeing your picture and reading your ethnicity I was still wondering.

You enjoy hanging out with your friends. Really? I hate it. There's absolutely nothing I dread more than spending some quality time with my friends.

Just as comfortable in a ball gown as jeans? So when you're going to Walmart to pick up a box of Bugles and some pork rinds you're just as likely to wear either?

And you're looking to meet someone who is funny, intelligent, thoughtful, kind and ambitious. How rare, most people are looking for a thoughtless idiot who enjoys torturing animals.

Finally, we come to my favourite part of the profile, if you're into mind games please don't respond to this ad. I imagine hundreds of guys viewing this ad and saying to themselves, "gee that's too bad, I was thinking of really jerking her around for a couple of months until her self-esteem was shot and then just disappearing. But, she's not into mind games."