I Might Believe in God

I’m an atheist. I have been for quite some time now. It’s not a bad way of life although I do miss singing and dancing in the Baptist choirs of my youth. I think in anybody’s life there will be an event or events so life altering that they cause you to reevaluate your beliefs.

For me, one of those events happened today. I’d heard there was a company in Biel, Switzerland that manufactures an incredible product for stripping wood and was trying to find the name of it (good cover story) when I happened across an article entitled “Jessica Biel’s strip contract”. The gist of the article is that Jessica Biel will play a stripper in her new movie Powder Blue and has agreed to bare her breasts and buttocks (apparently People magazine is big on alliteration). This was the sign I’d been waiting for. Tears of joy ran down my leg. But wait, was this a test? The god I’ve read about is quite fond of jerking people around. Better check the commandments and see if watching a naked woman on a big screen while drinking margaritas and shouting “shake what your mamma gave ya” is a sin.

1. The Detroit Red Wings are the greatest hockey team. Thou shalt worship no other team.
2. Thou shalt not take Steve Yzerman’s name in vain.
3. Thou shalt eat the red smarties last.
4. Sean Connery is the one true Bond though Daniel Craig makes a good false idol.
5. On escalators thou shalt walk on the left and stand on the right.
6. Thou shalt put the left foot in, thou shalt pull the left foot out, thou shalt not shake it all about. 7. Monkey see, monkey do.
8. The salad fork shalt be placed beside the napkin on the left.
9. Thou shalt not kill unless it’s rush hour and the car ahead of you is making a left without signaling leaving you to try and cut into the right lane while 70 cars buzz by.
10. Don’t make me break my foot off in yo ass.

I was clear with the commandments but couldn’t shake the feeling that there had to be a catch. I searched for Powder Blue on IMDB. Dammit, that sneaky bastard. Patrick Swayze is in the cast. That’s like giving somebody a Mars bar wrapped in liver and spinach.

I’m going to hold off on my conversion until the movie comes out and we can see how well the scenes are lit.