The King is Dead

Elvis Presley died 30 years ago today. I’m a fan of young Elvis. I think he had a great voice and a dynamic personality. Old Elvis on the other hand was kind of nuts. What I really want to discuss though is the myth surrounding his death. I don’t know if anybody believes that he is alive today. Elvis would be 72 now and while that’s not terribly old it’s not the kind of age a guy who ate deep fried everything would normally live to. I’m going to assume that everybody agrees that Elvis is dead at this point. Now, let’s look at the evidence that he didn’t die 30 years ago. These are taken from http://www.elvislives.net/. Remember, they've had 30 years to come up with valid reasons Elvis did not die and these are the best they've got. I’m only going to discuss the first five because I tire easily.

1. ELVIS IS IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM
Most people know about Elvis’ famous meeting with President Nixon. What they don’t know is that during this meeting Nixon issued Elvis Presley a DEA badge, a clue that Elvis was helping investigators with a major case and later had to enter the federal witness protection program. It's ludicrous to believe that the DEA would have issued a badge to someone not working for them, even Elvis Presley.

Elvis collected badges. In exchange for the honorary Drug Enforcement Agency badge Elvis gave Nixon a Colt .45 revolver. This sounds like a smart trade on Nixon’s part. It is ludicrous to think that the DEA would have issued Elvis an actual DEA badge. Making Elvis a drug enforcement agency officer would be like naming Britney Spears as head of the Child Protection Agency.
The honorary badge held about as much clout as my Franken Berry Junior Monster Patrol membership card.

2. ELVIS' NAME IS MISSPELLED ON HIS TOMB.
Elvis’ father, Vernon, misspelled Elvis’ middle name on the grave—Aaron instead of Aron, as his mother named him. This is a sign that Vernon Presley knew that it was not his son in the tomb.

Elvis spelled his middle name as either ‘Aron’ or ‘Aaron’ depending on the combination of pills he took that morning. I do believe it’s possible that Vernon Presley, Elvis’s daddy, simply thought, “maybe I don’t want to look like a backwards-ass, cousin-fucking, hillbilly anymore and will spell my son’s middle name correctly on his gravestone.”

3. PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE CORPSE DON’T RESEMBLE ELVIS
In 1977, the National Enquirer paid a third cousin of Elvis to smuggle a mini-camera in to the viewing of Elvis’ body. The resulting picture was published in the Enquirer, and caused shock waves among fans around the world. The eyebrows, chin, and fingers all looked unlike Elvis.

I’ve never been autopsied or embalmed myself but I think it probably takes a lot out of you. I’ve seen pictures of me after a bad crabcake and wouldn’t say they accurately represent my true beauty. Incidentally, autopsy means “see for yourself” which I think takes things a little too far. There’s a big difference between
“daddy, do yellow and blue really make green”
“see for yourself son”
and
“daddy, does your heart really beat 70 times per minute?”

4. THE COFFIN WAS TOO HEAVY
The coffin weighed 900 pounds: Elvis is known to have been overweight at the time of his death...but not that much. The only plausible account for that weight would be if the body was a wax dummy and there was an air conditioner inside the coffin to keep the wax dummy from melting.

How do they know how much the coffin weighed? Was there a weigh station at the funeral home? 900 pounds does not seem excessive to me. I know it looks like the only plausible answer is that there was a wax dummy inside and an air conditioner to keep it from melting but let’s think about this for a minute.
a) Coffins weigh a lot on their own. Elvis was not exactly known for his subtle taste, and not that he picked the casket, but I imagine it was one of the more elaborate models available.
b) How would they run the air conditioner? Batteries. People probably would have noticed an electrical cord hanging out the end of the box.
c) Why would an air conditioner weigh more than a 6’ tall heavyset man. Air conditioners that cool spaces 5 times the size of the coffin weigh less than 100 pounds.

5. COL. PARKER’S STRANGE QUOTE
Col. Tom Parker, Elvis’ manager, said in a press conference shortly after Elvis’ death: ‘Elvis didn’t die.The body did. We’re keeping up the good spirits. We’re keeping Elvis alive. I talked to him this morning and he told me to 'carry on.’ Is it possible that there was a double entendre to those words: that they had literal truth to them that no one suspected at the time?

This is pretty much the same type of thing that is said anytime someone dies. The body has died but the spirit lives on. Here are some quotes, taken entirely out of context, from the eulogies of The Queen Mother, Pierre Trudeau and Marilyn Monroe. These quotes prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that these three people are still alive and in hiding.

The Queen Mother
Her passing was truly an Easter death -- poised between Good Friday and Easter Day. In the light of the promise that Easter brings, we will lay her to rest knowing that the same hope belongs to all who trust in the One who is the resurrection and the life.

Pierre Trudeau
We have gathered from coast to coast to coast, from one ocean to another, united in our grief, to say goodbye. But this is not the end. He left politics in '84. But he came back for Meech. He came back for Charlottetown. He came back to remind us of who we are and what we're all capable of.

Marilyn Monroe
I cannot say goodbye. Marilyn never liked goodbyes, but in the peculiar way she had of turning things around so that they faced reality - I will say au revoir. For the country to which she has gone, we must all someday visit.