Last Sunday I played Santa for a friend’s company’s Christmas party.
What qualifies me to play Santa, you ask. Well, I have a little round belly, that shakes, when I laugh like a bowlful of jelly. It also shakes when I run or do jumping jacks but that part of the poem got cut.
Last Sunday, as you may remember, was the worst storm in Toronto in over 40 years. The driving was absolutely terrible but I had a duty to these children and I wasn’t about to let them down; also, the party was held at the Sheraton which has an excellent all you can eat brunch.
After having my fill of eggs benedict and bacon I was asked to get ready. I grabbed the costume and went to the washroom to change. I change in a stall because I don’t want a kid coming in and seeing Santa wearing nothing but red pants and a t-shirt that says “NO FAT CHICKS”, it may ruin the illusion.
Changing in a stall is not the best of conditions. Next year I’m demanding a 10’ X 10’ change room, a bottle of Absolut Vodka and unlimited access to the over-18 Naughty Girls list as part of my rider. This costume is the most complicated thing I’ve ever worn. First, everything is safety pinned together. The beard is safety pinned to the hair which is safety pinned to the hat. The gloves are safety pinned, the pant legs are safety pinned.
I put the pants on first, followed by the suspenders, the jacket, the belt and then the mock boots. These are a pair of pleather leggings. I’m not sure that’s even a real material. They may be melted down vinyl copies of The Greatest Hit of Paco for all I know. They are tight and cut off circulation below my knee. They’re not complete boots; they’re supposed to go on over your shoes and make it look like your shoes are part of the boot. The effect is not seamless. I then put the beard, hair and hat on and begin sweating profusely. Santa may be able to handle all that gear at the North Pole but in a toasty hotel lobby it’s a bit much.
I’ve either gained a lot of weight since last year or Santa’s been working out and had his suit taken in a bit. Every time I moved a little fast or bent a little far I felt a button pop. I was worried that when I sat down my pants would rip and my jingle balls would be on display for the kids to see. At that point having them sit on my lap could get me arrested. Thankfully, this did not happen and I got through the event without exposing myself.
There were two kids who were absolutely terrified of me. One was Rooster, my pseudo-niece who is just barely getting used to me when I don’t look like I just climbed down from the mountains to eat road kill and leer at purty women-folk. Snake, my other pseudo-niece had strong suspicions that her fat cranky uncle was playing Santa. She wasn’t entirely sure though and rather than risking offending the real Santa she played it cool and made subtle inquiries as to the type of shoes I wore and where I was at that exact moment. I think we would have been able to fool her but the results from the DNA test and retinal scan come in next week. Maybe the lab will make a mistake.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Bon 'Freakin' Jovi
Last Friday I went to see Bon Jovi. Am I a huge Bon Jovi fan? Let me answer that with another question, do I sound like a 40 year old soccer mom, or a 13 year old girl? No, I'm not a "huge" Bon Jovi fan but he does have catchy numbers and puts on a good show. A friend, who I'll call Monkey (aka Auntie Monkey) wanted to go and being the kind, selfless, devastatingly handsome man that I am, I got tickets and we went.
The show was at the Air Canada Centre. We had seats in the last row, very close to the roof. We were, in fact, so high up, I had to use two canisters of oxygen before the opening act finished. The opening act was Hedley. They're a crappy band with a second rate Mick Jagger impersonator for a front man. At one point the singer said, "are you guys ready for Bon Jovi?" just so he could hear some cheers. He then said, "Bon Jovi is going to rock your world man, think of us as just the warm-up act." Thanks, that is how I think of you? I wasn't there to see the great Hedley/Bon Jovi double bill. I think there were only 8 of us in the ACC at the time.
During Hedley's set two women came to our row and asked if it was row 17. We confirmed it was and they started walking away looking for seats 5 & 6. Seats 5 & 6 were two seats away from us but they walked away before we could say anything. About 15 minutes later, just as Hedley was wrapping up, they came back, looked at us puzzled and walked back down to the usher. Ten or so minutes later they came back and found their seats. I'm not entirely sure what the issue was. The seats are numbered in sequential order. If I'm in seat one, seat two is either to the right of me or to the left of me. The order isn't random - Seat 1, 7, 8, 23, #FA, D sharp, X, 24, a picture of a dog, 19.
After Hedley ended the stadium started filling up fairly quickly. I imagine a lot of people were standing in the hallway plugging their ears. In our row and section, we were seats 1 & 2, 3 & 4 were currently empty and 5 & 6 were occupied by the 40 year old Bon Jovi groupies with 80s hair and a mouthful of teeth that looked like a broken down picket fence. In the section beside us the seats started at 29 and counted down. There was a couple in seats 28 & 27. At least I think they were a couple. It took me a little while to figure out if the wife was a man or a woman because she looked like a very pissed off 15 year old boy. Seats 3 & 4 were then filled by a woman and her daughter who looked to be about 11. She was a cute kid and extremely excited to be at a concert. We then saw a large group of people making their way up the stairs. The man with the 15 year old boy for a wife stood up and the wife moved to seat 29 so she was right beside Monkey. The group all filed in our row with the biggest guy sitting right beside the wife. I thought this odd because I imagined the husband would have purchased a seat beside his wife. So we sat there for a while with the husband standing in front of the wife and looking at her like, "I don't know what to do, what can I do." And her looking back like "well you'd better do something, you got us into this." This went on for a little while until the husband finally went back to his seat which was in the same row but 8 chairs away. The exact number of spaces this group took up. Instead of asking someone in the group if they could all move one seat left or right he decided to spend the rest of the concert looking longingly at his wife from afar and her looking back.
I'm not sure how it was initiated but at one point during the concert one guy in our row told the other people in the row to move down one seat. The husband finally asked or somebody put two and two together but either way the wife moved beside the husband and the group moved to the left. Unfortunately for Monkey this meant that in addition to the gigantic lard ass on her left side (me) she now had a gigantic lard ass on her right side as well. This guy must have been about 1.5 times my size and when he sat down I thought Monkey's head was going to pop right off.
Not much else to report except that the 11 year old was an enthusiastic, if uncoordinated dancer and during much of the concert I feared for my safety and was almost certain I would come out of there with a black eye at minimum. The most embarrassing thing would of course be explaining it; "so you got the black eye when an 11 year old girl hit you at a Bon Jovi concert?"
The show was at the Air Canada Centre. We had seats in the last row, very close to the roof. We were, in fact, so high up, I had to use two canisters of oxygen before the opening act finished. The opening act was Hedley. They're a crappy band with a second rate Mick Jagger impersonator for a front man. At one point the singer said, "are you guys ready for Bon Jovi?" just so he could hear some cheers. He then said, "Bon Jovi is going to rock your world man, think of us as just the warm-up act." Thanks, that is how I think of you? I wasn't there to see the great Hedley/Bon Jovi double bill. I think there were only 8 of us in the ACC at the time.
During Hedley's set two women came to our row and asked if it was row 17. We confirmed it was and they started walking away looking for seats 5 & 6. Seats 5 & 6 were two seats away from us but they walked away before we could say anything. About 15 minutes later, just as Hedley was wrapping up, they came back, looked at us puzzled and walked back down to the usher. Ten or so minutes later they came back and found their seats. I'm not entirely sure what the issue was. The seats are numbered in sequential order. If I'm in seat one, seat two is either to the right of me or to the left of me. The order isn't random - Seat 1, 7, 8, 23, #FA, D sharp, X, 24, a picture of a dog, 19.
After Hedley ended the stadium started filling up fairly quickly. I imagine a lot of people were standing in the hallway plugging their ears. In our row and section, we were seats 1 & 2, 3 & 4 were currently empty and 5 & 6 were occupied by the 40 year old Bon Jovi groupies with 80s hair and a mouthful of teeth that looked like a broken down picket fence. In the section beside us the seats started at 29 and counted down. There was a couple in seats 28 & 27. At least I think they were a couple. It took me a little while to figure out if the wife was a man or a woman because she looked like a very pissed off 15 year old boy. Seats 3 & 4 were then filled by a woman and her daughter who looked to be about 11. She was a cute kid and extremely excited to be at a concert. We then saw a large group of people making their way up the stairs. The man with the 15 year old boy for a wife stood up and the wife moved to seat 29 so she was right beside Monkey. The group all filed in our row with the biggest guy sitting right beside the wife. I thought this odd because I imagined the husband would have purchased a seat beside his wife. So we sat there for a while with the husband standing in front of the wife and looking at her like, "I don't know what to do, what can I do." And her looking back like "well you'd better do something, you got us into this." This went on for a little while until the husband finally went back to his seat which was in the same row but 8 chairs away. The exact number of spaces this group took up. Instead of asking someone in the group if they could all move one seat left or right he decided to spend the rest of the concert looking longingly at his wife from afar and her looking back.
I'm not sure how it was initiated but at one point during the concert one guy in our row told the other people in the row to move down one seat. The husband finally asked or somebody put two and two together but either way the wife moved beside the husband and the group moved to the left. Unfortunately for Monkey this meant that in addition to the gigantic lard ass on her left side (me) she now had a gigantic lard ass on her right side as well. This guy must have been about 1.5 times my size and when he sat down I thought Monkey's head was going to pop right off.
Not much else to report except that the 11 year old was an enthusiastic, if uncoordinated dancer and during much of the concert I feared for my safety and was almost certain I would come out of there with a black eye at minimum. The most embarrassing thing would of course be explaining it; "so you got the black eye when an 11 year old girl hit you at a Bon Jovi concert?"
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