I Am The Biggest Loser

I wanted to update everyone on the Biggest Loser contest. I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won.

Sorry, my emotions got the better of me. I lost a whopping 14% of my starting weight (I was going to say “body weight” but then thought, what other kind of weight is there? I’m pretty sure my head was included in the weighing). 14% is an impressive number when talking about weight loss. Not so impressive when it’s the final mark on a physics exam. Incidentally copper wire, contrary to popular belief is an excellent conductor of electricity, may my lab partner rest in peace.

The person who came in second place lost a remarkable 9% of his starting weight. Our agreement was that only the top two percentages would become public knowledge. The others in the contest will have their information declassified 50 years after the last one of us is dead. Yes, it’s that top secret.

An Unrelated Note
Thank you to all of those who have already pledged me for for the Relay for Life. For those who haven't - good news - it's not too late. The Relay is on June 20th so get your pledge in while you can. Pledges can be made by going to my Relay for Life page (see links on the right side of the page) and clicking Pledge Me. If you don't want to pledge online and live in the GTA I will come to you. You simply have to give me directions to your dwelling, a copy of the key, instructions on where you keep your chequebook, a clean, legible copy of your signature suitable for forging and I'll take care of the rest.

My goal is $1000.00 and I've raised $565.00 thus far. Won't you be the person to donate $436.00 to put me over the edge or $10.00 to get me closer to the edge.

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers

I love shopping at Wal-Mart but sometimes it’s so crowded that it gets a little frustrating. Here are a few tips to help us all have a more enjoyable shopping experience.

1. It is not necessary to bring the entire family to the store. Immediate family only. I know you want to share the joy with as many kinfolk as possible but if you’re just dropping in to pick up a new pair of overalls for Cletus because the old ones were destroyed when the septic tank exploded please leave all nieces, nephews, step-children, in-laws and second cousins twice removed back home in the trailer park.



2. If you must bring children please try check on them every half hour or so. I’m not asking you to actually stop, or even see, what they’re doing. Simply scream, “Junior what all is you all doin’ o’er there”. More often than not the reply will be “nothing”. Even if Junior is copulating with a Butterball turkey in the frozen food section if he says “nothing” there’s not much more you can do.



3. If you bring a cup of coffee or other beverage into the store and finish said beverage while shopping please find a receptacle to place the cup/bottle/wineskin into. This receptacle ideally will be a garbage can and its purpose is to hold discarded material. Do not leave the cup/bottle/wineskin on the closest shelf and expect the Wal-Mart pixies to turn it into fairy dust.



4. Shopping carts are a handy tool but when you’re done with them how about bringing them to the big covered area where they are normally stored. I know this will take an extra seven seconds out of an already hectic day but it will also prevent having to weave around them as you’re trying to park your car. Most shopping carts are now equipped with wheels and can be rolled effortlessly to the nearest storage area.



5. On the subject of shopping carts, don’t leave them sideways in the middle of the aisle while you are looking at a product. Try to get as close to either side as possible so people don’t have to ask you to move your cart while you stare slack-jawed at the DVDs trying to decide if you should spend a $140.00 on the complete series of “Too Close for Comfort” or get grandpa’s heart medication. I’ll make the decision a little easier. The complete series comes with a bonus DVD of never-before-seen outtakes. Grandpa’s a good man but he’s no Ted Knight.

Happy Birthday Pig!!!

Today is my pseudo-nephew Pig's 1st birthday. I call him Pig, not because he's a messy eater, but because he was born in the year of the pig - and he is a messy eater. In his defense, how many one year olds do you know who use cutlery and will delicately dab at their lips with a napkin if a dollop of strained carrots goes astray?

Incidentally it is also my Dad's birthday today but he's not nearly as cute and mastered the art of eating well over four years ago. Good job Dad.

Pig is now able to cruise. This means he can do a kind of lopsided walk while holding onto something to steady himself. It's very similar to how I skate although probably more graceful.
He can also speak. It's in his own language but I'm starting to pick-up a few words here and there.

Eeeeeeeeee: I'm going to poke you directly in the eye now.
AAieoouuu: Now I will pull your lower lip as far as humanly possible.
Slllllp: Is that a good shirt? I'm going to drool on it.
Errrrrrp: I've just spit up. Let's play.
Aa Aa Aa: Those balloons frighten me ever so much.

I can't wait until he starts speaking English because the thought process of a child is one of the most amusing things I can think of. Two examples:

I was playing with my godson with oversize lego blocks (about the size of a Kleenex box). For some reason the lego block was supposed to be cake. I said, "Mmmm, a nice big piece of chocolate cake" to which he replied, in a very condescending tone I might add, "the block is white, it has to be vanilla cake." So let me get this straight. You're willing to go so far as to pretend a hard piece of plastic is cake but you're not willing to go far enough to pretend it's chocolate cake because it's white. Sounds logical.

On another occasion I was playing with Snake (Pig's older cousin). We were sitting on the couch pretending it was a car. Before we went for a drive we would buckle-up. This was a process that took a few minutes because we had about thirteen "seatbelts" each. Snake would place one of the cushions on her lap and we'd "drive" off. Sometimes she would say, now you drive, and pass me the wheel which just meant that she would no longer hold her hands as if holding on to a steering wheel and I would start holding my hands in such a manner. Each time we went for a drive we'd buckle-up and Snake would place the cushion on her lap. Finally I asked what it was, meaning, what is it supposed to be, considering our car was a couch and our steering wheel was non-existent I was expecting an answer like "a jet pack". She looked at me as if I just came into town from the mountains to see all the pretty lights and magic picture boxes. "It's a pillow". Luckily for me the word dumb-ass wasn't in her vocabulary at the time.

Happy Birthday Pig, I'm looking forward to the first time you roll your eyes at me thinking, "of all the pseudo-uncles in the world I had to get the dumbest."

Biggest Loser Update

We will soon be at the end of the Biggest Loser challenge. April 16th is the official end date, it was supposed to be April 14th but due to an issue with the scales (possible tampering with the load cell) and one of the contestants being disqualified for inhaling helium in an effort to increase his buoyancy the date has been pushed out.

How is it going you ask? Not too bad. At the start of this thing my plan was to walk to and from work (about 35 minutes each way) and eat healthier (cut out sweets, eat more vegetables, no more deep fried Mars bars for breakfast). I've been able to maintain both of those. There have only been two times since January 14th when I did not walk home from work and in both cases it was because I had to transport something heavy (they'll get their photocopier and fax machine back when I'm done with them). I've brought my lunch to work everyday and only ordered food for dinner once. The weekends are tough but I have made healthier choices when at restaurants. I no longer order my customary glass of corn syrup with my meals. I've also realized that butter is meant as a spread and not as an appetizer.

That's great but, how much have I actually lost? I can't divulge that information at this time for fear of giving my worthy opponents information that would somehow be used against me. I will give you a visual clue though. Please find below two pictures. The top one taken at the start of the contest and the bottom one taken today (just after I finished pulling a truck up hill using a rope tied around my waist).

Jan 14th, 2008
I like wearing blue because it has a slimming effect on me.


April 1st, 2008
Feeling good but I still need to work on those love handles.