What Kind of a Library Is This?

Michael Ian Black's hilarious book "My Custom Van" was recently released in paperback format. I did a search at the library because even though I love the book I wasn't willing to part with $15.96 to buy it from Chapters.

The library does not currently carry the book but I did come across some rather disturbing titles.

For example, "My Daday is a Giant Korean". Perhaps your father is taller than average size and of Korean descent but I still don't think it's right to call him a giant Korean.

I then thought, if that's the kind of books they publish about daddies, what kind of insulting trash are they printing about mommies. This poor, poor kid. His mom travels a lot, she makes money and now she's having a baby. Is it just me or does mommy sound like a hooker?

Children often make claims that their relatives are stronger, smarter, make more money or are just generally better than another child's but I think these two books take it a little too far.

"Umm, my grandpa died today."

"Oh yeah, well my grandpa is amazing."

"Touche"

Most disturbing of all though is My Grandmother's Erotic Folktales.

"Yes grandma we've heard about little red riding hood. Yes, she rode that wolf long and hard. Mm hmm, yes and how Goldilocks found the baby bear just right. C'mon grandma, there's no such folk tale as "Johnny Happypants and his Electric Penis"".

While there may be no Johnny Happypants there are some questionable folk tale titles. I give you a sampling below.

• An Unusual Ride
• Fair, Brown, and Trembling
• Mister Rabbit Nibbles Up the Butter
• Nine Children at One Time
• The Clergyman and the Dwarfs
• The Hand of Glory
• The Stonemason Who Was Never Satisfied
• The Story of Hok Lee and the Dwarfs
• The Tale of the Butter Tub
• The Tiger King's Skin Cloak
• The Emperor's Daughter in the Pig Stall
• A Young Monk Wanted to Have a Goose
• Of the Woman Who Loved a Serpent Who Lived in a Lake
• The Cobbler and His Three Daughters
• The Miller, His Son, and the Ass

St. Thomas, Ontario

Yesterday I went to St. Thomas, the "Railway Capital of Canada" as their slogan states. Circus aficionados may know the town better as the "Elephant Killer Capital of Canada".

On September 15, 1885 an "unscheduled" freight train hit and killed Jumbo the elephant, star of P.T. Barnum's circus. Did the people of St. Thomas try and cover up this shameful event in their history? No, in fact they've exploited it.


Shortly after Jumbo's death citizens of St. Thomas gather around the pachyderm for a photo opportunity. Sick bastards.

My first stop was the tourist office to try and shake information out of them. They were conveniently closed at the time of my arrival which was well outside of their posted hours.

The townspeople are kind enough to offer 1 hour of free parking for tourists. Perhaps in some small way this assuages their guilt but it wasn't enough to buy me off (hey St. Thomas, you might want to throw in a complimentary beverage and a coupon to Boston Pizza).

I imagine most conversations at the tourist office go like this:

Tourist: "What is there to do in this town?"
Granddaughter of elephant killer: "Well, we have our life size statue of Jumbo."
Tourist: "That one that's right outside?"
GEK: "Yes. We also have the Elgin County Railway Museum, but it's closed."
Tourist: "I can still park here for another 59 minutes right."



The Jumbo statue is a sight to behold.



How does such a monumental task as erecting a giant elephant statue get completed? Well it takes teamwork. There were 29 members of Jumbo Centennial Committee and over a hundred donors. Seriously, after 100 hundred years the best 29 people could come up with was to erect a statue. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a better idea on how to honour Jumbo but I would have thought erecting a statue would have sprung to mind pretty quickly.


Despite the Railway Museum being closed I decided to head over anyway.
I think it's bad for business when a museum has a "Do not trespass - Danger" sign.




Another "honour" that the people of St. Thomas have given Jumbo is to name a beer after him. The good folks at Railway City Brewing Company have come out with "Dead Elephant Ale". Catchy name.

Venting

There are some people who believe that everyone was put on earth for a reason. I believe that some people were put here for a reason and that is to irritate the crap out of me until I repeatedly stab them in the face. Others were put here to stare at me malevolently and then shake their head in disgust. I think there's six of them. Disappointingly few people were put on earth to feed me chocolate at all hours of the day.

There is a person at work who has been causing me some distress lately and I've written a little poem to let her know how I feel.

From the moment I saw your
Unblinking, reptilian eyes I knew you were a
Condescending, conniving bully
Know-it-all.
I don't understand why you torture me so.
Never have I met someone who
Goes so far out of their way to cause pain.

But rest assured that my spirit
Is not broken.
Tough on the inside, soft and pudgy on the outside.
Caramel covered bite of
Heaven. Sorry, got carried away. In conclusion, bite my ass.

It's not a good poem but really, is any poem any good.

Fashion & Grooming Tips

I'll preface this entry by saying that I am by no means a fashionista, stylish in any way or even confident wearing button fly jeans (which explains that embarrassing incident at the petting zoo all those years ago). However, if I restricted my opinions only to things I knew something about I wouldn't write at all so here are my tips on how to not look like a disgusting idiot.

1. If you are under the age of 75 and are not Johnny Depp do not wear a fedora. It doesn't make you look hip, it makes you look like a pretentious douche trying awfully hard to look hip. Johnny Depp, of course, can wear anything he damn well pleases.

2. Long hair is fine. Two or three long hairs growing out of a particular body spot is not fine. Look at the picture of the man below. His hair is neatly trimmed, he has shaved within at least the last couple of days, he's angry about something, but that's beside the point. If you focus on the right of the picture, on the lower part of his cheek, you can see hairs, approaching three inches, growing there. How do you shave your face and not notice a tarantula leg growing out the side of it?

Hair hidden by clothes does not give you an excuse to let it grow. You know it's there. The shame should be enough to spur you into action.

3. If you have a ponytail coming out of the top or side of your head and you are not dressed, in a manner that exudes sarcasm, as a ditzy sorority girl, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you might want to consider a career in the field of carnival ride operator.

4. You should only wear something if you find it comfortable, or at the very least, not uncomfortable. I can understand looking like a fool for the sake of comfort. It's the reason we see so many fat, old men and women in velour tracksuits. But to look like an idiot and still have to pull your pants up every 15 seconds? that's just beyond me.

5. If you're ugly don't do everything humanly possible to make yourself uglier. I realize that ugly is a subjective term but if dogs run yelping and children burst into tears when you're around chances are you're not going to be cast in a Motley Crue video anytime soon (yes, that is the universal standard of beauty). In defense of the young "lady" below the piercings may not have been done on purpose but may be the result of someone firing a nail gun at her while screaming "die, horrendous swamp zombie, die."