Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Ottawa

Last weekend I went to Ottawa because I felt it just wasn't quite cold enough in Toronto. In truth, Monkey needed a present for Secret Santa at work. Just in case you didn't grasp the absurdity of that previous statement let me elaborate.

At Monkey's work they play a variation of Secret Santa called Thieving Secret Santa where each player brings one generic gift. The first player unwraps a gift, the next player can then either steal that gift or unwrap a new one. Each player in succession then has the same choice, either steal an opened gift or unwrap a new one. I don't really know how long it goes or how it finally gets decided who ends up with what but the gist of it is that we drove 4.5 hours each way so some clown that Monkey may not even know that well can get a gift where the giver is kept secret.

I think my version of Secret Santa is better, where someone dressed as Santa tells you a horrible secret about your life:

"Your wife is having an affair. Ho, ho, ho."
"Your son is a heroin addict. Merry Christmas."
"They call your daughter Porsche because she's a sweet ride. Top up your eggnog?"

Monkey's idea was to go to a craft show to find something unique for this stranger. I think I've mentioned before how I feel about craft shows, sorry artisan shows; too many women who look like birds and too many men with greasy ponytails. The one saving grace is that the food booths give lots of free samples.

"Would you like to try a chocolate covered blueberry?"
"No, I'm just here to admire the adorable handpainted sign that reads 'God Bless This Mess'. Give me all the blueberries you got."

There was one photographer there who I liked.

Me: Do you have a business card?
Him: Yes (long pause while he in no way looks like he is trying to find a business card.)
Him: Was there anything in particular you wanted to know?
Me: No.
Him: What did you want the business card for then?
Me: Because I have some food stuck in my teeth. Do you have a website?
Him: Yes (another long pause. Finally writes out the website address on a piece of scrap paper.)

Now why wouldn't you just say, "I don't have a business card but I can write out my details for you." Or perhaps he did have amazing business cards but would only disburse them to people who had a damn good reason for wanting one.

While in Ottawa we went to the National Gallery. Technically only I went into the gallery while Monkey spent her time in the gift shop. It was a great gift shop though and she managed to find a really nice doodad for Secret Santa.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Goodwill

Every once in a while Goodwill distributes bags in the mail with a note asking you to fill the bag and leave it on your porch on a specific day. In my neighbourhood it happened this week, which was a godsend because I missed garbage day last week.

I filled the bag, left it on the porch and went about my daily business, which includes 1000 pushups, pullups and crunches each morning. Sorry, typo, I meant to say, eating Froot Loops and drumming Flight of the Bumblebee on my stomach.

A little after 3pm I noticed the Goodwill bag was still on the porch so I gave them a call.

Me: Hi, I left a bag for you guys on my porch and I guess it was missed.

GW Rep: It wasn't missed sir, they're only halfway completed the run so far.

Me: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. It's just that the notice said to give you a call after 3pm if any bags were missed. I naturally assumed that you would have had the commonsense to schedule the run so that it would be completed before the time stated on the notice. Instead, you decide to have people call you halfway through the run to ensure that everyone gets to waste a little bit of time today.

GW Rep: Are you the ass clown who left a bag of garbage for us last year?

Me: (click).

Monday, December 14, 2009

It's Been a Long Time

I haven't posted anything for a while but there's a very good reason for it; I'm incredibly lazy and I'm a bit of (a complete) dickhead.

Kirk Cameron is a complete idiot. I know, I know, harsh words for a formerly beloved 80s sitcom star but this guy is just off the charts moronic. Kirk is now a Christian minister who is trying to convince the world that evolution is a myth. His "proof" that evolution is a myth is a photoshopped picture of a duck with the head of a crocodile. He states that if evolution were true we should have seen crocoducks around, which is a stupid name anyway, they'd obviously be called duckodiles.

Being a minister Kirk is making an effort to steer people away from atheism however he fails to realize that a belief in scientific fact (evolution) does not automatically equate to atheism. There are many people who believe in evolution but also have a strong belief in god, I think the pope is one of them. There are probably not as many who don't believe in either though;

"Evolution's a crock."
"Oh, you believe in a benevolent being who created everything in 6 days just by saying 'let there be . . .'"
"Oh no, no, no , no ,no - I'm an atheist."
"Then how do you think we all got here?"
"On rainbow coloured unicorns bred by magical leprechauns in an underground fudge factory."
"I'm going to go stand over there now."

Kirk's partner in the ministry is Ray Comfort. Ray looks like a man who would perform weddings at the Shotgun Chapel in beautiful Las Vegas.

Ray is known as the "Banana Man", not only because he is cuckoo bananas but because he once expounded a theory that, because of the following reasons, the banana is proof that god designed the world:
  1. Is shaped for the human hand
  2. Has a non-slip surface
  3. Has outward indicators of inward content (i.e., colour indicates ripeness)
  4. Has a tab for easy removal of its wrapper
  5. Is perforated on the wrapper for easy peeling
  6. Has a biodegradable wrapper
  7. Is shaped for the human mouth
  8. Is pleasing to the taste buds
  9. Is curved towards the face to make the eating process easy

This kind of argument enrages me so much that my eyes bleed. Yes, the banana does fit nicely into the human hand but I think there are a couple of other fruits that aren't so convenient, like the watermelon. And speaking of easy peeling let's talk about the pomegranate; there's nothing I like better than spending a day and a half digging a handful of seeds out of a tough as leather rind. Finally, have you ever seen a durian? These things are as easy to peel as a hedgehog and smell like somebody vomited bleach on a bag of rotting onions. If god is using his infinite power to design fruit he really jerked us around with the durian.

I'm not entirely convinced by point nine either; I've had some bananas that curved away from my face when eating them. I pulled a neck muscle trying to take the first bite.

Hey Comfort, if you think the banana is shaped for the human mouth I've got something else that you may enjoy.

Monday, September 28, 2009

What Kind of a Library Is This?

Michael Ian Black's hilarious book "My Custom Van" was recently released in paperback format. I did a search at the library because even though I love the book I wasn't willing to part with $15.96 to buy it from Chapters.

The library does not currently carry the book but I did come across some rather disturbing titles.

For example, "My Daday is a Giant Korean". Perhaps your father is taller than average size and of Korean descent but I still don't think it's right to call him a giant Korean.

I then thought, if that's the kind of books they publish about daddies, what kind of insulting trash are they printing about mommies. This poor, poor kid. His mom travels a lot, she makes money and now she's having a baby. Is it just me or does mommy sound like a hooker?

Children often make claims that their relatives are stronger, smarter, make more money or are just generally better than another child's but I think these two books take it a little too far.

"Umm, my grandpa died today."

"Oh yeah, well my grandpa is amazing."

"Touche"




Most disturbing of all though is My Grandmother's Erotic Folktales.

"Yes grandma we've heard about little red riding hood. Yes, she rode that wolf long and hard. Mm hmm, yes and how Goldilocks found the baby bear just right. C'mon grandma, there's no such folk tale as "Johnny Happypants and his Electric Penis"".

While there may be no Johnny Happypants there are some questionable folk tale titles. I give you a sampling below.

  • An Unusual Ride
  • Fair, Brown, and Trembling
  • Mister Rabbit Nibbles Up the Butter
  • Nine Children at One Time
  • The Clergyman and the Dwarfs
  • The Hand of Glory
  • The Stonemason Who Was Never Satisfied
  • The Story of Hok Lee and the Dwarfs
  • The Tale of the Butter Tub
  • The Tiger King's Skin Cloak
  • The Emperor's Daughter in the Pig Stall
  • A Young Monk Wanted to Have a Goose
  • Of the Woman Who Loved a Serpent Who Lived in a Lake
  • The Cobbler and His Three Daughters
  • The Miller, His Son, and the Ass

Sunday, September 27, 2009

St. Thomas, Ontario

Yesterday I went to St. Thomas, the "Railway Capital of Canada" as their slogan states. Circus aficionados may know the town better as the "Elephant Killer Capital of Canada".

On September 15, 1885 an "unscheduled" freight train hit and killed Jumbo the elephant, star of P.T. Barnum's circus. Did the people of St. Thomas try and cover up this shameful event in their history? No, in fact they've exploited it.


Shortly after Jumbo's death citizens of St. Thomas gather around the pachyderm for a photo opportunity. Sick bastards.

My first stop was the tourist office to try and shake information out of them. They were conveniently closed at the time of my arrival which was well outside of their posted hours.

The townspeople are kind enough to offer 1 hour of free parking for tourists. Perhaps in some small way this assuages their guilt but it wasn't enough to buy me off (hey St. Thomas, you might want to throw in a complimentary beverage and a coupon to Boston Pizza).

I imagine most conversations at the tourist office go like this:

Tourist: "What is there to do in this town?"
Granddaughter of elephant killer: "Well, we have our life size statue of Jumbo."
Tourist: "That one that's right outside?"
GEK: "Yes. We also have the Elgin County Railway Museum, but it's closed."
Tourist: "I can still park here for another 59 minutes right."



The Jumbo statue is a sight to behold.



How does such a monumental task as erecting a giant elephant statue get completed? Well it takes teamwork. There were 29 members of Jumbo Centennial Committee and over a hundred donors. Seriously, after 100 hundred years the best 29 people could come up with was to erect a statue. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a better idea on how to honour Jumbo but I would have thought erecting a statue would have sprung to mind pretty quickly.


Despite the Railway Museum being closed I decided to head over anyway.
I think it's bad for business when a museum has a "Do not trespass - Danger" sign.




Another "honour" that the people of St. Thomas have given Jumbo is to name a beer after him. The good folks at Railway City Brewing Company have come out with "Dead Elephant Ale". Catchy name.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Venting

There are some people who believe that everyone was put on earth for a reason. I believe that some people were put here for a reason and that is to irritate the crap out of me until I repeatedly stab them in the face. Others were put here to stare at me malevolently and then shake their head in disgust. I think there's six of them. Disappointingly few people were put on earth to feed me chocolate at all hours of the day.

There is a person at work who has been causing me some distress lately and I've written a little poem to let her know how I feel.

From the moment I saw your
Unblinking, reptilian eyes I knew you were a
Condescending, conniving bully
Know-it-all.
I don't understand why you torture me so.
Never have I met someone who
Goes so far out of their way to cause pain.

But rest assured that my spirit
Is not broken.
Tough on the inside, soft and pudgy on the outside.
Caramel covered bite of
Heaven. Sorry, got carried away. In conclusion, bite my ass.

It's not a good poem but really, is any poem any good.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Fashion & Grooming Tips

I'll preface this entry by saying that I am by no means a fashionista, stylish in any way or even confident wearing button fly jeans (which explains that embarrassing incident at the petting zoo all those years ago). However, if I restricted my opinions only to things I knew something about I wouldn't write at all so here are my tips on how to not look like a disgusting idiot.

1. If you are under the age of 75 and are not Johnny Depp do not wear a fedora. It doesn't make you look hip, it makes you look like a pretentious douche trying awfully hard to look hip. Johnny Depp, of course, can wear anything he damn well pleases.


2. Long hair is fine. Two or three long hairs growing out of a particular body spot is not fine. Look at the picture of the man below. His hair is neatly trimmed, he has shaved within at least the last couple of days, he's angry about something, but that's beside the point. If you focus on the right of the picture, on the lower part of his cheek, you can see hairs, approaching three inches, growing there. How do you shave your face and not notice a tarantula leg growing out the side of it?

Hair hidden by clothes does not give you an excuse to let it grow. You know it's there. The shame should be enough to spur you into action.



3. If you have a ponytail coming out of the top or side of your head and you are not dressed, in a manner that exudes sarcasm, as a ditzy sorority girl, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you might want to consider a career in the field of carnival ride operator.

4. You should only wear something if you find it comfortable, or at the very least, not uncomfortable. I can understand looking like a fool for the sake of comfort. It's the reason we see so many fat, old men and women in velour tracksuits. But to look like an idiot and still have to pull your pants up every 15 seconds? that's just beyond me.


5. If you're ugly don't do everything humanly possible to make yourself uglier. I realize that ugly is a subjective term but if dogs run yelping and children burst into tears when you're around chances are you're not going to be cast in a Motley Crue video anytime soon (yes, that is the universal standard of beauty). In defense of the young "lady" below the piercings may not have been done on purpose but may be the result of someone firing a nail gun at her while screaming "die, horrendous swamp zombie, die."

Friday, August 28, 2009

New Balance

Last weekend I purchased a new pair of waddling shoes. I felt the need to say that they were new just in case you thought I might be purchasing somebody’s used shoes. I believe the actual name of the product is running shoes but let’s face facts, not a whole lot of running is going to be done in this pair. The last time I ran was in 1989 and that’s because the ice cream truck was pulling away while I still had my mouth under the mister softie machine (no, that’s not a euphemism for gay sex).

I went to New Balance because they make very comfortable shoes and I love the enthusiasm of the salespeople. I think it takes a certain personality to work in retail. I did it for several years before landing my cushy job as painting instructor for the blind. Half the time I don’t even give them paint, just let them drag a dry brush across a piece of cardboard and tell them the colours are breathtaking the use of broad strokes is sublime. Never name a specific object because then you’re screwed.

“That’s a beautiful bowl of fruit.”
“It’s a picture of my wife.”
“Nice melons either way.”

The people at New Balance know their shoes and they want to put you in a pair that makes every other shoe you’ve owned feel like a combination of wet burlap and broken glass. First they make you walk so they can see if you’re flat footed, pigeon-toed, high arched, low arched, moderately depressed, drunk, completely without rhythm or living in a low-rise apartment building. They then lovingly select a few pairs like an oenophile (thanks “Word of the Day”) choosing a fine wine. They explain each one and what it offers:

“This one gives superior ankle support.”
“The BC998 makes you feel like anywhere you go, you’re walking in a bouncy castle.”
“This comes with a get out of jail free card and a coupon for a free appetizer at Red Lobster when you buy any entrée.”

The get out of jail free card could come in handy considering my plans for next weekend but I went with the ankle support. There have been occasions, while I’m walking, when my ankle turns inward causing me to go down like I’ve been shot and due to forward momentum I careen inevitably into something either solid or pointy. There is a dent the exact size of my head in a Metro paper box at Church and King that is not a coincidence.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I've Reconsidered

Air conditioning is humanity's greatest achievement. Days like yesterday when the temperature was 27 Celsius but with the humidity felt like 214 made me come to my senses, or made me completely delirious from heat stroke but either way, I love air conditioning.

I'm not a guy who does very well in the heat. I sweat if I type too fast and every morning in the summer I wake up covered in a thick coating of what can only be described as a slightly less sticky version of corn syrup. I don't need a lot of material goods to make me comfortable; a mattress made entirely of koala bear fur, a pedicure and foot massage every 4 hours, a hot tub full of water imported from a pure mountain spring in the Himalayas and air conditioning so cold that I can make a skating rink in my living room.

Now with global warming we're supposed to turn down air conditioning to help the planet. Does this make any sense? Things get warmer so we should use less air conditioning. Incidentally, if, next winter, I hear anyone complain about the cold and then make a sarcastic remark about "global warming" I will kick them directly in the coodlesac. Just want to give fair warning.

I am willing to make a lot of concessions to help the planet. Do I need the clothes dryer running 24 hours so I can quickly getting a warm, fluffy towel when the mood strikes me? Probably not. Should I wait until I have more than a dirty spoon and cup before I use my industrial strength dishwasher? Good idea. Will I turn down my air conditioning and sit sweltering in my apartment sweating cheese curds to save the fragile marine ecosystems of Antarctica? I'm thinking no. Penguins and seals are cute but I don't eat them. Let me know if lobsters are in danger.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Humanity's Greatest Achievement

I'm going to tell you what the greatest achievement is but why don't you take a guess first. Putting a man on the moon? Nice try, but incorrect. The printing press? How about you pull your head out of your ass and give it another shot. Splitting the atom? Forget it, it's like I'm talking to a monkey. Humanity's Greatest Achievement is the Elvis Shake at Dangerous Dan's Diner. A delicate blend of chocolate ice cream, peanut butter and banana combine to make something that not only caresses your taste buds but feels like someone is making sweet sweet love to them.

Dangerous Dan's is located at Broadview and Queen and serves food that could kill a horse. The small poutine will feed a family of four.

I'm not sure where the name Dangerous Dan's comes from . Certainly the restaurant is not somewhere I'd ever feel safe setting foot in. I imagine rusty nails, used syringes and broken beer bottles littering the floor while former and future inmates grope at me and make catcalls.

Perhaps Dan is dangerous. A psychotic fry cook who will fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.

While these are both strong possibilities I think the name came from a doctor looking at the menu, shrieking in disgust and petitioning the Heart & Stroke Foundation to shut them down.

Below are the two most horrendous offerings:

The Coronary Burger Special
2 8oz Patties
4 Slices of Bacon
2 Slices of Cheddar
a Fried Egg on top
Served w/ Fries and Gravy

Quadruple C "Collosal Colon Clogger Combo"
24oz burger
quarter pound of cheese
quarter pound of bacon
2 fried eggs.
comes with a large shake and a "small" poutine

While I'd rather walk barefoot through a field of pig entrails and donkey vomit than enter Dangerous Dan's, I've got no problem with placing an order for delivery, setting up my defibrillator and salivating until the food arrives.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Whitchurch-Stouffville Strawberry Festival

Last Saturday I went to the Whitchurch-Stouffville Strawberry Festival. The festival itself was pretty run of the mill but they did have two of the most horrendous mascots I've ever seen. One was a strawberry, which makes sense based on the name of the festival, and the other was a large round yellow thing that I suspect represented the sun as it was standing at the Small Town Sun newspaper booth. Needless to say, after pushing a few kids out of the way, I got my picture taken with both of them.

The strawberry looked like a tomato that had seen better days. Monkey took the picture but it was a little too close and parts of me and Strawberry were cut off. I asked Strawberry if I could get another picture to which he/she replied "mmmphh", apparently the costume wasn't very conducive to enunciation.

After I got the picture taken with the sun she lifted up her mask and shouted at a kid passing by "Adam go home you're bothering everyone."

Jabberjaw has an obsession with mascots and may well have the largest collection of mascot photos in the world. The best part of her photos is that the majority of time the mascot doesn't even know she's there. She'll casually sidle up to a family that has gathered for a photo, or run beside a mascot, pausing to flash a smile to the camera, and then run off to the next one. It's an operation that requires split second timing and her husband Gook Gook is certainly up to the task. Because of her tenacity and stealth and Gook Gook's quick trigger finger Jabberjaw can been seen in more family photos at Disney World than Mickey Mouse.

On the drive to the festival I spotted a sign that read "Swimming Lessons - In Your Pool" which seemed to me like an ideal way to earn some money while getting free use of a pool. Bearing that in my mind I present the following courses:

  • "Film Studies - Using Your Own Large Screen HD TV - act now and we'll throw in, absolutely free, How to Cook Microwave Popcorn in Your Microwave"
  • "How to Cook and Eat Lobster in Your Kitchen"
  • "Maximize Your Hot Tub's Potential"
  • "Is Your Bed as Comfortable as it Could Be? Let Our Sleep Expert Be the Judge."
  • "How to Make Love to Your Wife - Using Your Wife"

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Relay for Life 2009

Sorry to keep you all in suspense for so long but I'm happy to report that the Relay this year was a rousing success.

Including offline pledges each member of the Super Karate Monkeys exceeded their individual goal and the team as a whole came in just shy of $6000.00 which is well above our goal of $5000.00.

The event itself raised over $222,000 which just blew the lid off the $154,000.00 goal.

Thank you for all your support.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Cobourg Highland Games Festival

The weekend before last I went to the Cobourg Highland Games Festival. For some odd reason I've always wanted to see the Heavy Events (hammer tossing, caber tossing, sheaf tossing). I was not disappointed.

I was unaware that the caber toss is a contest of accuracy rather than distance. The goal is to toss the caber so it rotates once and lands pointing straight ahead. Comparing the toss to the numbers on a clock, a perfect toss is 12:oo o'clock. The announcer kept yelling out "2 o'clock, 4' o'clock, 11:59" and I thought maybe he'd had too much of the sauce, after all the Games' motto is "Don't drink whiskey without water or water without whiskey". One caber toss came within about three inches of landing on some guy's van.

I did not get to see the legendary Kevin Fast compete as he was tossing later in the day and there is only so much bagpipe music a man can stand. Kevin Fast is a Lutheran Pastor with a doctorate degree in Ministry (D. Min.) who just happens to hold the world record for heaviest truck pull. Two disparate accomplishments that impress me to no end.

I did see his son compete in the amateur division of the heavy events competition. He looked like a young Jason Priestly and tossed the caber like . . . sorry, I'm not familiar enough with great caber tossers to make an adequate comparison.

One of the other events at the festival was The Blades of Glory (http://www.bladesofglory.ca/); a group of performers who teach medieval history while staging sword fights. Some of the performers are Talus the Dragonlord, Gunthar the Slayer, Throttigarr Stormbringer and Malcolm. I'm guessing Malcolm had a little trouble coming up with a fearful medieval name.

The performance was well done but the illusion evaporated when I saw Sir Frederick Wallace the Great having a smoke and reading People magazine.

Finally, one of the most ingenious things I have ever seen was a member of the drum corps resting a plate of poutine on her snare drum.
How many times have you been somewhere, a picnic, barbecue, some other crowded family gathering where you can't sit at the table because it's reserved for Aunt Ethel and Uncle Mortimer and all the other ancient, dilapidated relatives so you have to eat standing up and somehow precariously balance your plate and beverage while cutting your food into bite-sized pieces so you don't end up shoving an entire piece of cake in your mouth?
Well my friends your troubles are over. Behold, the Pearl Championship Aluminum Snare Drum Plate and Beverage Carrier.


Strap this on, secure your plate and beverage and your life just got a whole lot easier. Eat, drink, juggle - the possibilities are endless.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Pie Shack

RELAY UPDATE - As of the morning of June 9th, we are $400 away from our goal of $5000.

Last Saturday I went to the Beaches and had the good fortune of stumbling across a little place called the Pie Shack. When I say stumbled, I mean literally because I had been drinking quite heavily that day and have a poor sense of balance due to losing the big toe on my left foot in a 3-legged race gone awry.

The Pie Shack serves both sweet and savoury pies. They were all out of sweet pies when Monkey and I arrived but they were expected any minute. We found this out from the owner, Tim McConvey, who is most likely the friendliest man alive while also being just unpredictable enough to be slightly frightening.

Tim talked to every customer for about 15 to 20 minutes. This made them really feel like they were appreciated and valued; of course it also meant that if you were third in line you'd be waiting 30 - 40 minutes to order, which had the opposite effect.

We decided to have a savoury pie and a pot of tea while we waited in the hope that the sweet pies would arrive. I had a quiche lorraine and Monkey had a chicken pot pie. We both agreed that the pies were delicious. The Pie Shack has decks of cards on the tables so as we waited for the sweet pies we played an intense game of Crazy 8s and sipped tea.

Finally the sweet pies arrived. I had a slice of peach while Monkey had strawberry-rhubarb. Again, both delicious, perhaps due to the copious amounts of butter used.

I can't think of a more pleasant way to spend a Saturday afternoon, other than chucking eggs at old people from a moving car.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Five More Days

The Relay for Life starts at 7:00pm on June 12. Our team is incredibly excited about the Relay this year because they will be giving signs to teams that raise $5000 Bronze, $7500 Silver or $10,000 Gold. The Super Karate Monkeys are currently at around $4400 including offline pledges. That means we have a chance at a bronze sign. There's nothing I'd like more than to get that sign and strut around the track as if I were the cock of the walk. I've been called a cock many times - many, many times - but this would be different. I suppose it would also be nice to raise $5000.00 for the Canadian Cancer Society.

As the captain and best looking member of the team I set my goal at a lofty $1500.00 and am happy to say I achieved it. Now that the crunch is on I've raised the bar and added another $200.00 to the goal. The only other time I've raised the bar is during a limbo competition. I managed to make it through by tipping my head back ever so slightly.

So, I guess what I'm asking is can you help a brother out? Forward this link to anybody you know who has $5.00 and the desire to help eradicate a deadly disease.

Dave's Donation Page

P.S. Donations of $20 or more will receive a tax receipt and a visit from either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie depending on your sexual preference and/or willingness to experiment.

Disclaimer: You probably will not receive a visit from either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

. . . and another thing that chafes my ass

I saw the movie Up last night. Fabulous movie, highly recommended. The thing that gets me is why every ignorant, gum chomping, ditzy teenager who can't live four minutes without their cell phone in case they miss an idiotic message from another ignorant, gum chomping, ditzy teenager saying "Jeremy told Chad to tell his sister that he might like you if you think that maybe you like him" feels the need to put their feet on the seat on front of them. This isn't your damn living room. I don't even know why this is considered comfortable. Rarely do I sit at home with my legs sticking up at a 45 degree angle and resting on the back of a thin piece of fabric covered plastic digging into my calves. Yesterday I saw a 250 pound woman with her painted hoof draped over the back of a chair. I have no idea how she managed to wedge herself into that position but she needed the jaws of life to get out.

Back to the movie - it was in 3D, which for some reason freaked Monkey out. Just as I was about to buy tickets she said "wait, it's in 3D". To which I replied "so what". "I don't know, I don't know if I agree with that. I don't want to wear the glasses. This should have been disclosed up front . . ." While she was babbling, I purchased the tickets. We went to our theatre, grabbed our glasses and found seats. The glasses are made out of plastic now, not the crappy paper kind that they used to give out and they fit reasonably well despite my horribly misshapen head (see last entry). The 3D effect is much better than the last 3D movie I saw which was Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983). A review on IMDB writes that it " . . . is one of the worst crimes ever committed to celluloid" - I wouldn't rate it as highly.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

A Successful SASKMRFLGS

The Second Annual Super Karate Monkey Relay for Life Garage Sale (it just rolls off the tongue doesn't it) is over and I think we're all a little older and a little wiser. I'm exactly 11 days older but I'll tell you, it feels more like 15 or 16. As for being wiser, when I say a little wiser, I'm exaggerating, I'm infinitesimally wiser. I think the only thing I learned is that Harlequin titles are extremely repetitive. Monkey goes through 4 to 5 Harlequins a week so we had lots to sell. Joey Jo Jo Shabadu Jr. created a game where we used the Harlequin title for charades. Eventually we had stock moves for just about everything they had. From the Harlequin website today, these are the top ten bestsellers:
  1. Taming the Texas Tycoon

  2. Pregnant with the Billionaire's Baby

  3. Having the Billionaire's Baby

  4. The Brunelli Baby Bargain

  5. Billionaire Prince, Pregnant Mistress

  6. The Illegitimate King

  7. Intimate Seduction

  8. Bought for Marriage

  9. The Santangeli Marriage

  10. Royal Seducer

Babies, billionaires and royalty seem to be big with the romance writers. I actually tried to act out "Intimate Seduction" and along with dislocating my hip I was banned from the street for a year.

One thing I definitely didn't learn last year, and probably won't remember next year, is that I need to be lathered in sun screen if I'm going to spend anytime outside. I'm extremely pale; photographers use me to set the white balance in their cameras. Over the weekend I was burned to a nice glowing red. After three days I started peeling so badly that it looked like I was in the early stages of leprosy. I hate the feel of sunscreen on my skin but I'm also not fond of my arms emanating enough heat to fry bacon. People, often tell me that I need to wear a hat. That's all well and good for people with normal shaped heads, I however look like Forest Gump's dimwitted cousin when I wear one. I'm not sure what it is but baseball caps always look slanted and toques ride up my head like an elastic around a basketball. Luckily I have enough thick luxurious hair to hide whatever hideous deformity mars my skull.

The garage sale made $475.00, which is about $30.00 less than last year but in these tough economic times still considered a good return.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

SASKMRFLGS

The 2nd Annual Super Karate Monkey Relay for Life Garage Sale (saskmerflogs) is fast approaching.

Do you have plans for the weekend? Cancel them immediately. We want to see you at the garage sale.

Here are the details:

When - Saturday May 23 & Sunday May 24.
Time - 9am - 3pm both days (early birds will be shot on sight).
Where - 140 Cadorna Avenue (Don Mills & O'Connor).
What - books, cds, cassettes, clothes, electronics, furniture, household appliances and ceramic kitties are all awaiting a new home.

We look forward to seeing everyone.

If you can't come out but would still like to make a donation there's no reason to cry like a little baby. Wipe those tears away and click on the link below. You can donate to any individual member of the team or the team as a whole.

Super Karate Monkeys - Relay for Life page

Thanks for your support.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Wrong Number - or was it?

Friday evening I received a phone call at around 10pm from a "private number". I normally don't answer these but, what the heck.

"Hello"
"Is this FCB?" in a voice that sounded like the woman's hobbies included eating ground glass and gargling gin, not to mention chain smoking unfiltered Marlboros since she was seven.
"Yes"
"FCB?"
"Yes."
"Well this is Ethel Flavenstock and I want to know if you're still handsome."
"Yes."

Handsome is a subjective term.

The conversation continued.

"I've got Yvonne Gruber here and she wants to talk to you."
"I don't think I know either of you but sure, put her on."
"Oh, maybe we've got the wrong FCB."
"Au contraire my friend, you have the right FCB."

They both giggled, which led to a coughing fit and I think Yvonne passed out but it may have been Ethel. I then hung up the phone and dreamed sweet dreams for the night.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

In Brief

I was standing at a traffic light today and a fairly normal looking woman (with the exception of the maniacal grin) was standing next to me. She shouted out, "C'mon light, I got to go to soccer tonight." A short time later the light changed. Does this woman have magic powers or do traffic lights just change at regular intervals? I guess we'll never know.

Speaking of traffic lights I completed my first "scramble" crossing at Yonge & Dundas today. A scramble crossing is where you are allowed to cross diagonally from corner to corner (e.g., from NE to SW). I'm not sure why it's called a scramble but the name certainly doesn't conjure up images of orderly lines of people calmly marching to their destinations. Scramble is something you yell when the cops are coming.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Din"er"ing Experiences

I love going out for breakfast by myself. For me, there is no greater joy than sitting in a diner, sipping my coffee and eating bacon while doing a Sudoku. Well, there is one greater joy, but that involves Polynesian triplets, finger paint and an oscillating fan so let’s stick to breakfast for the time being.

The perfect diner is one that opens by 7:00am, is, for the most part, empty, has good service, large tables, edible food and is less than a 10 minute walk from my abode. I have only ever found this once and that place closed down after three weeks for failure to pay rent. Here’s a brief history of my diner experiences:

Sip & Bite
Pros – opened early, was right across the street, cheap breakfast, decent food
Cons – nearly impossible to get a top up on coffee, moderately busy and clientele was comprised of white trash on mobile scooters who felt the need to yell mundane details about their personal lives to their dining companions; “DOCTOR SAYS I SHOULD GET THE BOIL LANCED”, “ETHEL’S SON GOOBER LOST THREE FINGERS IN THE WOODCHIPPER LAST WEEK.”

Cranberries
Pros – excellent food, spacious enough that you didn’t feel like you were sitting in the lap of the diner beside you.
Cons – opened at 9:00am.

Johnny G's
Pros – good food, good service.
Cons – opened at 8:30am, tables were so close together that merely by leaning over to pass the salt to the diner beside me I ended up impregnating her. In retrospect, we both should have been wearing pants, but live and learn.

Mars Diner
Pros – passable food, good service.
Cons – the booths are so small I have to butter myself up to squeeze in and out.

KOS
Pros – empty, good food.
Cons – the wait staff is for decoration purposes only.
NOTE: I forgot the name of this place so KOS may not actually be it, but it was close to Mars Diner near Bathurst and College. Not that it matters all that much.

Mihali’s Place
Pros – good food, good service, good prices.
Cons – Opens at 9:00am, small selection, can get busy and crowded

New York Café
Pros – opens at 7:00am, good food, good service.
Cons – crowded with police and other criminal types. The tables are close together so I get to overhear conversations like this gem:

“I like rye bread.”
“Yes, me too.”
“This is good bread.”
“Yes, very good.”
“Very good rye bread.”
“Good rye bread.”
“You like rye bread?”
“Yes, I like rye bread.”
“Me too.”

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I'm Glad That's Over

Yesterday we threw a 60th birthday party for my aunt. I hate organizing parties, and even more so when it's a surprise party. Don't get me wrong, I like being sneaky and lying to people, but making a party a surprise adds extra information to keep track of. You no longer just have to get your guest of honour to a certain place at a certain time but you have to have a background story of why you're going there that must be believable and also enticing enough to make the person actually want to go, or at least feel obligated to go. Even though I get stressed out doing this sort of thing I did it for my aunt for two reasons. One, she deserves it. She's the one who always organizes the parties in the family and keeps in touch with everyone. All in all, very thoughtful. Two, she reads this blog so I'd better say something nice.

The story I came up with to get my aunt to the party was that it was a rally for the Relay for Life. My aunt is a breast cancer survivor (that's another reason why I do the Relay and an especially good reason you should donate to the Canadian Cancer Society. On the right side of the page, there's red text saying "My Personal Page", this will lead you to the donation page. Thank you) and she is participating in the Relay this year. Fortunately she agreed to go to the "rally" so the ruse was working thus far.

As I mentioned above, I dislike organizing these things and I think it's because I'm really no good at it. I have the attention span of a gnat with ADD and can't keep track of all the things that need to be done for a successful party. If it were left entirely up to me I'd have everybody sitting on the floor in my apartment fighting over a half eaten cheese sandwich and the cake would consist of a yellow highlighter placed squarely in the middle of a Vachon Joe Louis. I much prefer that somebody else does the organizing and just tells me what to do. Luckily (and surprisingly) I have friends that thrive on organizing and are no slouches when it comes to telling people what to do. The organizer extraordinaire is Jabberjaw. She created an itemized list for me that I would have been lost without. The other immense help for this party was my friend Yangalicious. She made a ton of food including a beautiful teapot cake (my aunt likes tea).

The Party

The plan was that I would pick up my uncle and brother at 11:30am, drive them to the location, help setup and then leave to pick up my aunt and bring her there for 1:00pm. My car was quite packed with all the party supplies; plates, cups, decorations, table clothes, coffee maker, water heater, beverages and a box with six bud vases and one large vase, each containing flowers and water. I picked up the flowers the night before from Jabberjaw who had done a lovely job of preparing the flowers and packing them in an empty diaper box that mockingly had "no messy leaks" printed all over it. She had prefilled the vases so that the flowers wouldn't die immediately. The problem was that about a fifth of a second after I picked up the box the six bud vases tipped over and emptied their contents on the bottom of the box causing a messy leak. I managed to get the flowers home without incident and refilled the vases to keep the flowers fresh; but the bottom of the box was now very fragile. I had this box sitting on the floor of the front passenger seat. As my uncle got into the car I tried to warn him about the delicate condition of the box bottom just as he lifted the box up by it's sides and the six bud vases again tipped over and soaked the floor mat. My uncle turned the box upside down and used the relatively dry lid as the bottom. When we arrived at the party room my uncle grabbed the box by it's sides and the bottom (which was actually the lid) flew open, tipping the bud vases again. There was little water in them this time but the flowers did scatter over the car floor.

We went up to the party room and started setting up. Because of the flowers incident we were running a bit late so we scrambled a bit to setup. I left to pick up my aunt leaving the remainder of the prep work to my uncle and brother. As I left I asked my uncle to tell my brother (because he wasn't there at the time, not because we weren't speaking to each other) that I had brought my camera and to take some pictures of our aunt when she comes in so we can immortalize the look of surprise on her face.

I picked my aunt up at about 1:00pm and we were supposed to be at the party at that time. I had requested on the invitation that if you could not be there before 1:00pm to please come at least 15 minutes later so we wouldn't run the risk of bumping into each other entering the building and ruining the surprise.

We arrived at the building at around 1:20pm. The security guard that would normally let us in was doing his rounds (I think this means he goes to the stairwell to smoke) so I called Yangalicious to let us in. As I was on the phone I saw my cousin coming into the building. This was a potential surprise ruiner and even worse I couldn't blame my cousin because it was my lateness that caused the fiasco. I stepped in front of my aunt to block her view and signalled with my eyebrows for my cousin to make a run for it. I was on the phone remember and wanted to be subtle which is why I didn't use my hands to signal plus I'd been doing a lot of eyebrow exercises lately and wanted to put my effort to good use. My aunt, being nosey, sidestepped me and came face to face with my cousin. The cousin was sharp enough to make up an excuse about visiting friends in the area and that calamity seemed to be averted.

As this was happening I got ahold of Yangalicious and said we needed to be let into the building. She said, I'll send your brother down. I didn't think my brother was a really good choice because I was pretty sure my aunt would recognize him and that also might ruin the surprise. Plus, I asked him to take pictures and it's pretty hard to get a good shot of the surprised look on someone's face when you're standing behind them. But, this was at the same time my aunt and cousin were talking and I wasn't thinking straight. My brother gets off the elevator with a huge camera around his neck, my aunt says "Hi P-Dub (not his real name) are you the official photographer?" Again, we dodge a bullet as she thinks he's taking photos for the rally.

Finally, we get to the room, walk her in, everybody yells surprise, my aunt nearly has a heartattack and I run downstairs to grab my cousin and let her know it's safe to come up now.

My brother said he managed to get a few shots of my aunt looking surprised so it wasn't too bad. I later went to take some photos and realised that I hadn't put a memory card in the camera so even if my brother had captured a shot worthy of a Pulitzer it would have been for naught. In his defence he's never used a digital camera before so he had no idea that something was amiss. Good thing he wasn't the official photographer though.

After a rocky start the rest of the party went well. There was one awkward moment when my aunt and uncle (incidentally they're brother and sister not husband and wife) we're talking about two elderly women who lived with the family before my uncle was born. He said, "why don't you tell the story of how they came to live with us" to which she replied, "no, I don't really want to get into that" so he proceeded to tell the story that the day the sisters found out my grandma and grandpa would take them in was the same day one of the sisters decided she was going to kill the other and then commit suicide if they didn't find a place to live that day. Nothing like a jaunty tale of murder/suicide to get people in the mood for fun. I asked my dad if he could recount a few stories from his years fighting in Vietnam to get the party really rocking.

I think the most surprising thing about the surprise party is that I didn't end up punching anybody in the face, or getting punched in the face.

I'll end with a picture of the beautiful cake Yangalicious made. Yes, it does say Happy Bithday. She made it very late at night and can certainly be forgiven for missing one letter. If I had made the cake it would have read "It had to be a teapot, eh, assface?"

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

My Goal - nay, My Mission

As many of you know it's been my lifelong goal to find a cure for cancer while simultaneously winning "Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest" (in your face Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi. NOTE: I recognize that Joey "Jaws" Chestnut is the current two time defending champion but Kobayashi won the event six consecutive years and therefore it is him that I'm gunning for.)

Over the years I've come to realize that I probably won't be able to do both and have consequently focused on finding a cure for cancer. Unfortunately, there's only so far common household chemicals, medical equipment scavenged from a broken down Somalian hospital and a fourth grade education can take you, which is why I hedge my bets by participating in the Canadian Cancer Society's Relay for Life each year.

The Relay is a 12 hour overnight event (7pm to 7am) in which teams compete in a variety of physically, mentally and spiritually gruelling challenges in order to eliminate one another from the competition and claim bragging rights for the entire year. Halfway through we break for tea biscuits and a brief sing-a-long.

Okay, I lie, the Relay is a non-competitive fundraiser for cancer research in which the teams stay overnight and walk around a track lit by luminaries in memory of or in honour of cancer victims and survivors. It is both a remembrance of those who have passed away from cancer and a celebration of how far we've come in finding a cure.

The most poignant part of the event, in my mind, is the Survivors' Lap in which over a hundred cancer survivors complete the first lap of the night as their names are called out. The other event participants line the track to applaud and call out encouragement as the survivors pass by. The vast variety of people that comprise the survivor group reminds me of how cancer touches us all and the outflow of support and enthusiasm is inspiring.

The truly good news is that you can join thousands of other people and support this very worthy cause without even leaving the comfort of your own home.

Click on this link (Relay for Life) and then choose the "Support David" button.

Donating is safe and secure. While all amounts are greatly appreciated, a donation of $20.00 or more entitles you to a tax receipt. For a donation of $55.00 I will bring my guitar over and entertain you with a series of Irish sea shanties and dirty limericks. For a donation of $100.00, I won't. Seriously, you don't want to know what I'd do for a donation of $100.00 or more.

I've lost three grandparents and my mother to cancer. If you haven't been affected by cancer in some way you are very lucky indeed.

Thank you.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Three Mind Blowing Unrelated Theories

Sanity Check
I have long held a belief that you can test a person's sanity by putting them on a streetcar and counting how many times they change seats. The more times they change seats the crazier they are.

Obviously, certain conditions must be in place. The streetcar can't be completely empty or completely full. After a lot of trial and error I was finally able to pull the number of 45% out of my ass.

If a person changes seats once or less they can be considered completely sane. Often you'll get on a streetcar and there will be seats open but they're not great seats. A couple of stops in a great seat opens up. You move and take it - not insane. Another seat opens up, you move and take it - insane. The exception is if a situation arises regarding the seat you moved to that was not present when you initially sat down. For example, a person with bad body odour sits beside you, the window or seat breaks, the person sitting behind you vomits on you (although moving seats solve the problem of the vomit presently on you it would at least prevent that particular person from vomiting on you again). If none of these, or a similar situation happens and you change seats more than once you are coo coo bananas.

Why is this considered an accurate test of sanity? Think back to all the times you've ridden on the streetcar or bus and if you've changed seats once have you ever had the urge to change seats again? If you did, did you stifle the urge because you thought people would think you were crazy for switching seats again? If you weren't able to stifle the urge and moved again are you currently reading this on a computer situated in Lord Zokron's Disco Space Pod? Do you think your dog can read minds and makes fun of you behind your back? Are all your clothes made out of bubble wrap so you don't hurt yourself when you go outside?

Chinese Girls Run for No Reason
First, I'd like to point out that I haven't noticed this only when I'm approaching a Chinese girl. Trust me, it's not only Chinese girls that run screaming if they see me headed in their general direction.

When I say "run" what I mean is, the legs move double time but the body as a whole moves at the pace of a brisk walk. I believe this is accomplished by reducing the step to half of what it normally is, please see the following illustration:

The legs on the right look skinnier because of the increased speed.

The reason I say it is for no reason is they only give the illusion of speed without getting anywhere any faster. I have no idea what this all means but the evidence is beyond dispute.

Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation is Incorrect
Newton's law states that every thing with mass is attracted to everything else with mass. The greater the mass and the closer the objects the stronger the force of attraction.

In putting this theory to the test I've come up with the exact opposite results. As a man of great mass one would assume that the closer I stand to someone the more attracted they would be to me - this is not the case. Sometimes I'll stand right behind a woman, so close I can smell her hair and she can feel my hot breath on her swan like neck (sorry, I guess "really close" would have sufficed). Not once has the woman become more attracted to me. 98% of the time the woman will move away (the other 2% are decrepit). 100% of the time I will be maced and/or pepper sprayed. I don't recall reading anything about that in Newton's law.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Things that Really Chafe My Ass

I thought "chafe my ass" was a much more popular saying but when I Googled it I only got 40 hits. I guess that shows how out of touch I am with the youth of today.

While I'm going to write about things that irritate me this is by no means a complete list; only the things that have irritated me most lately.

Button Pressers (literally and figuratively) - People who press buttons after they have already been pressed and a light clearly indicates they have already been pressed. At an elevator is a good example. I press the button, the little light indicates that it has been pressed and an elevator is on its way, you, look at the little light and then press the button again in case I didn't do a good enough job. Do you think you have magic fingers?

Door Standers - I think I've already mentioned that my father has the uncanny, preternatural ability to stand directly in your way no matter where you are going. This ability increases exponentially if you are carrying something heavy and are in a hurry. If you were carrying a heavyset man out of a burning building my dad would appear through the smoke, block your way, and ask if you had a chance to watch "The History of Verbal Communication through Mime" because the host had a haircut that reminded him of you when you were eleven.

Door standers are not as good as my father, of course, but they do aspire to his ability. I have noticed this particularly on the streetcar lately where some people are drawn like magnets to stand in the doorway. I can understand this behaviour on a crowded streetcar but not when there are other options. Some of them are so self-absorbed that it never occurs to them that other people are on the streetcar and may want to get off. It boggles my mind that we let people like this out in public.

Smoking Door Standers - At first I was going to say that I hate smokers; but, that would be too general even for me. However, I do hate the smell of cigarette smoke and am happy that you are no longer allowed to smoke indoors at public establishments. This however does present a problem as the smokers all huddle by the door and anyone who walks in or out has to carve a path through the miasma.

Bicyclists - Again, I can't say that all cyclists irritate me but I have seen very few that follow the rules of the road. My view is, if I have my right turn signal on and you try to pass me on the inside, you deserve to be run over, or, at the very least be forced to wear those ridiculous shorts to a formal function. I admire cyclists for their commitment to the environment but stop freaking complaining about how you should be treated like an equal vehicle on the road if you sail through stops signs, ride on the sidewalk, pass on the inside, ignore red lights and pass open streetcar doors. You can't have it both ways (unless you're bisexual and you're not, you're a bi-cyclist).

Motorists who don't use turn signals - There's nothing that burns my toast more than pulling behind somebody in the left hand lane only to have him turn on his signal as soon as the light changes and then I have to try and get in the right lane to go around him. I realize that on occasion you'll pull up to a light, be lost in thought about what a deep fried Mars bar surrounded by Honey Crullers and then deep fried again would taste like, and then snap out of your reverie and flick on your turn signal much to the vexation of the motorists behind you. However, the number of times I've been behind somebody who turns on his signal the second the traffic light turns green leads me to believe that some people just don't know what signals are meant for. They are used to signal your intentions, and here's the key part, in advance, so other people can act accordingly.

It doesn't help to tell someone the chair has wet paint as she sits in it; or his drink has a bug in it as he takes the last mouthful; or the girl he likes is actually a guy as he . . . well you get the idea.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Two Things

A few weeks ago I went to Ottawa for Winterlude. They had just settled a transit strike and I noticed a sign in an adult entertainment store window that said; "Free lube to all OC transit workers so they can go F**K themselves." I thought that was very generous.

A couple of days ago I received a phone call where the person asked if they could speak to Salim. I said, "I think you have the wrong number." Why couldn't I have just said "you have the wrong number"? I've only been living in my new apartment since October but I think I would have noticed another person living there by now. I suppose I could have said "he's not here right now" which would have been true but a little misleading. One day I may have a Salim in my apartment (although I'd rather have a Salma) but the chances are very slim that it would be the same Salim this girl was looking for.