Dirty, Dirty Rome

Rome was the place I'm least likely to visit again. The city was dirty, the trains were filthy and the lineups were insane. The reason popes are so old is probably because they have to wait in line outside the Vatican before they're ordained.

The history of Rome is of course extremely interesting and there are ruins everywhere which are pretty cool to look at but the city is so run down you don't know if you're looking at an ancient ruin or a slumlord's building.

Here are some shots of St. Peter's Basilica. It doesn't look very crowded because most of the people waiting have expired and been carted away to be fed to the jackals.


A closeup of the roof of St. Peter's Basilica. Some of the figures are holding crosses as a subtle reminder that Jesus was crucified. Come on kids, it's been 2000 years, how about stopping your bellyaching.


I think this is a statue of St. Peter. Whoever it is he looks very judgmental.


Assorted fountains and ruins.












This statue amuses me. Obviously the sculptor ran out of time and thought "what are the most recognizable features of this guy? His face would be good to show and probably his penis, everyone remembers his penis."


Vatican Museum - for those who can't translate the Latin inscription.


You'll have to click on this picture to enlarge it but pretty much right in the middle is a poster stating that you're not allowed to wear bathing suits in the museum. After waiting four days in line in the scorching heat you're damn lucky I'm wearing anything.


One of the ceilings in the Vatican museum. You're not allowed to take any photos of the Sistine Chapel which is the main thing I wanted to take pictures of but this is still pretty cool.


This is from the tomb of the unknown soldier. I just like this shot.


The Colosseum.


Inside the Colosseum.



Apparently these guys didn't hear that the Empire fell.

Switzerland - Beautiful but Boring

If you're going to Switzerland and don't ski bring a book and/or try to catch up on your sleep. I spent 5 days in Zurich and spent most of the time saying "how much?!?!?!? are you out of your freakin' cheese lovin' mind?"

This is the most exciting thing to see in Zurich - a gigantic cuckoo clock. Whenever I asked what type of tourist attractions were around the reply was inevitably "have you seen the clock yet?"


After I got tired of the clock I spent 2 days staring at this thing.


Finally, I decided to take a day trip and went to Lucerne. The picture below shows the actual Keebler elf factory. Head office is still located in a tree but the cookie production is done in the tower.


The "official" explanation of this "carving" is that it commemorates the hundreds of Swiss Guards who were massacred in 1792 during the French Revolution. In actuality it is a lion that was accidentally covered in concrete and the Swiss made up the story to avoid embarrassment.


I also decided to do some mountain climbing.


Thank god for this warning sign - "Please don't fall off the mountain".





In retrospect I should have just used the cable cars.


Bern - The city where Einstein came up with the theory of relativity. It's also where I came up with the idea for a shampoo that cuts your hair while cleaning it but I doubt anybody will be talking about that 100 years from now.


Einstein's apartment in Bern. You'd think the plants would have died.


There is an odd law in Zurich that you must have a hat in order to descend stairs. You're allowed to ascend hatless but descending is punishable by a fine or a day's imprisonment. Of course the hat salesman congregate at the top of stairways and make a killing.


James Joyce's grave. The grave stone is just in front of this statue but I thought the statue would be more interesting to look at. In my opinion he is the greatest novelist in the English language and whether you agree (or even care) or not I climbed about 3 vertical miles of stairs to get here and had to buy 3 hats on the way down because they kept blowing off so I'm posting the damn picture.

Paris - A Smoker's Paradise

Paris was my favourite city on the trip. I inhaled about a carton of cigarettes a day through second hand smoke and yes, some of the shopkeepers were rude but I stayed there a full week and never ran out of things to do.

This is Sacre Coeur in the Montmartre section of Paris. It is at the very top of the city. I once tried to pronounce it in French for a friend who replied "did you just throw-up in my ear?" I'll admit my French is horrible.


The Arc de Triomphe stands in a traffic circle that must have been designed by the Marquis de Sade. I believe 11 "lanes" of traffic all merge into it but it's impossible to tell because there are no lines.


The most thankless job in Paris, directing traffic at the Arc de Triomphe.


A car trying to change lanes at the Arc de Triomphe. He'd been circling for three weeks.


It's a crying shame but graffiti artists seem to get everywhere. I bunch of them have carved their names into the inside of the Arc. I bet if the police ever catch that Bonaparte kid he's going to have some explaining to do.


The view from atop the Arc.


Wikipedia says that 6,719,200 people visited the Eiffel Tower in 2006. I think 6,719,198 of them were ahead of me in line. I'd hate to be that poor bastard behind me.


The view from atop the Eiffel Tower.


I think this is the entrance to a public washroom. Paris's motto is "go big or go home . . . American's just go home."


Below is the bell at Notre Dame. I didn't know this before I visited Notre Dame but the first bell ringer actually had no arms. He was unable to pulls the ropes but would take a run at the bell and hit it with his head. Unfortunately this wasn't very effective and the Monsignor would tell him that the bells had to be louder. Each day he would take a harder run at the bell until one time he hit them so hard he was knocked unconscious and fell out of the bell tower. The police arrived and asked who he was. The Monsignor replied "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell." My apologies, that was a long journey for a pretty bad destination.



Notre Dame


The entrance to the Pantheon, a veritable who's who of dead French guys. I spent a lot of time in the crypt hiding behind pillars and yelling "boo" at the people who passed by. Eventually I was escorted out.


The inside of the Pantheon.


The tombs of Marie & Pierre Curie. Thanks to radioactivity I was able to microwave a burrito right on top of the lid.

I don't know what this is but it sat outside my hotel room the entire trip and scared the crap out of me.


The entrance to Musée de l'érotisme. No that's not a statue of me but it does bear a striking similarity.


A piece at the museum. We never see this type of garden gnome in Toronto.


This is somebody's tombstone. I'm guessing Ricardo was a cat person.


The Eiffel Tower one last time.