Ottawa

Last weekend I went to Ottawa because I felt it just wasn't quite cold enough in Toronto. In truth, Monkey needed a present for Secret Santa at work. Just in case you didn't grasp the absurdity of that previous statement let me elaborate.

At Monkey's work they play a variation of Secret Santa called Thieving Secret Santa where each player brings one generic gift. The first player unwraps a gift, the next player can then either steal that gift or unwrap a new one. Each player in succession then has the same choice, either steal an opened gift or unwrap a new one. I don't really know how long it goes or how it finally gets decided who ends up with what but the gist of it is that we drove 4.5 hours each way so some clown that Monkey may not even know that well can get a gift where the giver is kept secret.

I think my version of Secret Santa is better, where someone dressed as Santa tells you a horrible secret about your life:

"Your wife is having an affair. Ho, ho, ho."
"Your son is a heroin addict. Merry Christmas."
"They call your daughter Porsche because she's a sweet ride. Top up your eggnog?"

Monkey's idea was to go to a craft show to find something unique for this stranger. I think I've mentioned before how I feel about craft shows, sorry artisan shows; too many women who look like birds and too many men with greasy ponytails. The one saving grace is that the food booths give lots of free samples.

"Would you like to try a chocolate covered blueberry?"
"No, I'm just here to admire the adorable handpainted sign that reads 'God Bless This Mess'. Give me all the blueberries you got."

There was one photographer there who I liked.

Me: Do you have a business card?
Him: Yes (long pause while he in no way looks like he is trying to find a business card.)
Him: Was there anything in particular you wanted to know?
Me: No.
Him: What did you want the business card for then?
Me: Because I have some food stuck in my teeth. Do you have a website?
Him: Yes (another long pause. Finally writes out the website address on a piece of scrap paper.)

Now why wouldn't you just say, "I don't have a business card but I can write out my details for you." Or perhaps he did have amazing business cards but would only disburse them to people who had a damn good reason for wanting one.

While in Ottawa we went to the National Gallery. Technically only I went into the gallery while Monkey spent her time in the gift shop. It was a great gift shop though and she managed to find a really nice doodad for Secret Santa.

Goodwill

Every once in a while Goodwill distributes bags in the mail with a note asking you to fill the bag and leave it on your porch on a specific day. In my neighbourhood it happened this week, which was a godsend because I missed garbage day last week.

I filled the bag, left it on the porch and went about my daily business, which includes 1000 pushups, pullups and crunches each morning. Sorry, typo, I meant to say, eating Froot Loops and drumming Flight of the Bumblebee on my stomach.

A little after 3pm I noticed the Goodwill bag was still on the porch so I gave them a call.

Me: Hi, I left a bag for you guys on my porch and I guess it was missed.

GW Rep: It wasn't missed sir, they're only halfway completed the run so far.

Me: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. It's just that the notice said to give you a call after 3pm if any bags were missed. I naturally assumed that you would have had the commonsense to schedule the run so that it would be completed before the time stated on the notice. Instead, you decide to have people call you halfway through the run to ensure that everyone gets to waste a little bit of time today.

GW Rep: Are you the ass clown who left a bag of garbage for us last year?

Me: (click).

It's Been a Long Time

I haven't posted anything for a while but there's a very good reason for it; I'm incredibly lazy and I'm a bit of (a complete) dickhead.

Kirk Cameron is a complete idiot. I know, I know, harsh words for a formerly beloved 80s sitcom star but this guy is just off the charts moronic. Kirk is now a Christian minister who is trying to convince the world that evolution is a myth. His "proof" that evolution is a myth is a photoshopped picture of a duck with the head of a crocodile. He states that if evolution were true we should have seen crocoducks around, which is a stupid name anyway, they'd obviously be called duckodiles.

Being a minister Kirk is making an effort to steer people away from atheism however he fails to realize that a belief in scientific fact (evolution) does not automatically equate to atheism. There are many people who believe in evolution but also have a strong belief in god, I think the pope is one of them. There are probably not as many who don't believe in either though;

"Evolution's a crock."
"Oh, you believe in a benevolent being who created everything in 6 days just by saying 'let there be . . .'"
"Oh no, no, no , no ,no - I'm an atheist."
"Then how do you think we all got here?"
"On rainbow coloured unicorns bred by magical leprechauns in an underground fudge factory."
"I'm going to go stand over there now."

Kirk's partner in the ministry is Ray Comfort. Ray looks like a man who would perform weddings at the Shotgun Chapel in beautiful Las Vegas.

Ray is known as the "Banana Man", not only because he is cuckoo bananas but because he once expounded a theory that, because of the following reasons, the banana is proof that god designed the world:

1. Is shaped for the human hand
2. Has a non-slip surface
3. Has outward indicators of inward content (i.e., colour indicates ripeness)
4. Has a tab for easy removal of its wrapper
5. Is perforated on the wrapper for easy peeling
6. Has a biodegradable wrapper
7. Is shaped for the human mouth
8. Is pleasing to the taste buds
9. Is curved towards the face to make the eating process easy

This kind of argument enrages me so much that my eyes bleed. Yes, the banana does fit nicely into the human hand but I think there are a couple of other fruits that aren't so convenient, like the watermelon. And speaking of easy peeling let's talk about the pomegranate; there's nothing I like better than spending a day and a half digging a handful of seeds out of a tough as leather rind. Finally, have you ever seen a durian? These things are as easy to peel as a hedgehog and smell like somebody vomited bleach on a bag of rotting onions. If god is using his infinite power to design fruit he really jerked us around with the durian.

I'm not entirely convinced by point nine either; I've had some bananas that curved away from my face when eating them. I pulled a neck muscle trying to take the first bite.

Hey Comfort, if you think the banana is shaped for the human mouth I've got something else that you may enjoy.