Tips for a Happy New Year

I wrote this for a work newsletter so some of you may have already seen it but here are my tips for having a happy, healthy and prosperous new year.

1. Eat healthier – If you’re like me you enjoy a large bowl of hot piping gravy in the morning accompanied by a stick of deep fried butter. While this is a tasty treat it’s not very good for your arteries. Perhaps in the future serve a smaller bowl of gravy and don’t fry the butter. Little changes go a long way.



2. Exercise more – I have a team of people exercise for me but my doctor says it just isn’t enough. A daily walk, a pick-up game of Australian rules football or towing an 18-wheeler using only your neck muscles are just a couple of easy to implement suggestions to get your heart pumping.



3. Be more environmentally responsible – Sure, everybody likes spraying aerosol deodorant and gasoline into a fire built from Styrofoam, plastic bags and car batteries but other than the pretty colours it serves very little purpose. Give something back to the environment by planting a tree for each Styrofoam cup you use. The tree can be cut down and burned later.



4. Volunteer – Many of my friends volunteer at a variety of places and even if it weren’t court ordered I’m sure they’d find it just as satisfying. Some people say that volunteering is its own reward but there can be financial rewards as well. Helping out at a prison may lead to many tips on where to get small appliances and electronics at enormous discounts. Volunteering at a senior’s resident almost guarantees you being put in someone’s will.



5. Learn a new skill – Neuroscientists now believe that the brain has a certain level of plasticity and by learning new skills we can actually increase our brain power. Last year I attempted to learn to juggle flaming samurai swords. In retrospect I probably should have started with balls but the cat’s hair grew back and other than losing a little toe I came out of it unscathed and a little bit wiser.



6. Follow a budget – The largest worry for 94% of Canadians over the age of 25 in a statistic I just made up is money concerns. With the holidays having just passed and the state of the economy as it is this worry is even more pressing right now. My suggestion is to create a budget and stick to it. I divide my bi-weekly pay by 14 (the number of days in the period) and spend exactly that much each day. It’s stressful when rent is due but a life of luxury the other 30 odd days of the month.



7. Get organized – The average person spends almost 300 hours in a lifetime looking for their house keys. Imagine what you could do with 300 hours; probably find your passport or 2003 income tax return. Many organizational gurus will tell you to have a place for everything and put everything in its place. For me the place is my hall closet. Other than furniture and food everything I own goes in that closet and that way I always know where it is.



8. Reduce stress – In this hectic dog-eat-dog rat-race world our stress levels are higher than ever. Some of my favourite stress busters are as follows:




• Take a long hot bath in Epsom salts with the haunting scent of a lavender candle nearby.


• Meditate with the haunting scent of a lavender candle nearby.


• Go down to the firing range and squeeze off a few rounds with the haunting scent of a grapefruit candle nearby.


• Curl up with a good book and a hot cup of cocoa while listening to the soothing sounds of ocean waves pound against the shore. NOTE: Do not read the book simply curling up with it will provide sufficient relaxation.

I'm Still Kicking Around

First, let me apologize for being so lax in my blogging lately. It's hard to believe it's been nearly three months since my last post. It's not that I haven't been doing stuff, it's just that watching videos on YouTube is so much easier than writing.


I'll give you a quick run down of what's happened in the last three months. It's been so long that I may have actually mentioned some of this stuff in previous posts and forgotten about it.

1) I flew a plane. It wasn't a commercial airliner that was having pilot trouble and I had to step in and save the day. It was an introductory flight in a Cessna 150 (I say that like I really know anything about planes). When we got in the air I was allowed to take the controls. Taking the controls consisted of me holding onto the steering wheel (I'm sure that's not the proper term but I have no idea what it's actually called). I really may as well have been holding onto a stick the pilot found on the runway for all the "flying" I was doing but it was fun nonetheless.


2) I went to New Mexico for a vacation. This was a great trip and really should be part of it's own blog entry so I won't go into detail right now. You can view pictures at http://www.riverrun-design.com/Post.


3) I moved apartments. I went from the seedy streets of Cabbagetown to the bright lights of Broadview. Moving is a pain in the ass. I hired professional movers so at least I didn't have to run up and down stairs all day carrying things but still, it's something I'd prefer not to do.


My new apartment has a narrower corridor than my old one so my couch wouldn't fit up the stairs. I suggested, in jest, that they hoist the couch over the balcony. They took this suggestion seriously and set to work. I have a theory that no matter what you do, some idiot with no experience is going to tell you how to do it better. Incidentally, the "hoist" was actually just two of the movers pulling the couch up while the third mover stayed on the ground trying to keep the couch away from the balcony. About five minutes in, while the guys are sweating like Marlon Brando in a sauna, a 60 year old woman riding by on her bicycle, stops to let them know they need to get the couch further away from the balcony. Her suggestion, "poke it with a stick". It's a couch, not a pinata. Needless to say I beat her with a stick much to the horror of my new neighbours.

Regatta Get Out of this Place

We had our regatta about two weeks ago and I’m proud to say that my team smoked our competition. By that, I mean we firebombed their boats after the race. How badly outclassed were we you ask. It took us fifteen minutes to get the boat in position to start the race. During the race two seven year olds in a swan paddle boat from Ontario Place passed us. So we did not come away as potential gold medal winners in Beijing.

Later in the evening there was a crew that was short a rower and I somehow got forced into rowing with them. Stupid “Rock, Paper, Scissors”, I always get screwed on that. These guys were a much tighter crew and the pace of the race was faster than what I was used to. I thought my heart was going to explode. The bad thing about not being able to keep up in a boat is that you can’t even slow down. It was like being on a tandem bicycle with Lance Armstrong in the front seat. You would think that with all this speed we would have won the race but no such luck. At least this instructor makes up plausible excuses for our loss. She said that the boat we were racing against drifted into our lane and we had to ease up to avoid hitting them. I’m not sure she knew what was at stake though. The winners of each race got a shiny pin that said “Crew”. Dammit, it still gets my blood boiling when I think how my life would be different if I had that pin. No more, “this is a funeral home you’ll have to put your pants back on” and my lifelong ban from the zoo for feeding the animals . . . to the other animals, would surely be lifted.

This sounds like the start to a joke, but last week I rowed with a blind man, a one-legged man and another guy, who I’m not entirely sure what his problem is but he walks with a limp and seems a little slow; other than the limp though they could say the same about me. These guys were all very skilled rowers and a fun group so it was a good experience for me to row with them. When I went to get in the boat I noticed one of my oar handles had a large dollop of bird poo on it. I thought of switching with the blind guy because it’s not like he’d notice but decided against it. The way we get into the boat is to put one foot in and then ease yourself down while holding onto the dock and side of the boat. The way I get into the boat is to put one foot in and then just kind of flop to my seat. I’m about as graceful as a seal with a faulty vestibular system. It’s a humbling experience to have a one-legged man hop (seriously, I kill me) out of a boat much more elegantly than you could ever hope to do.

Final Relay for Life Update

The Relay for Life was a big success. The event as a whole surpassed its goal, but more importantly, me as a selfish individual, surpassed my goal. I was shooting for $1000.00, which I thought was quite lofty considering people rarely speak to me, never mind donate money, and I ended up with $1651.00. Thanks again to all those who donated.

I helped out in the activity tent making balloon animals. My balloon animal making profession was started when I was helping out at a hockey tournament and somebody suggested that I make balloon animals for the kids. I found this to be an odd suggestion as I don’t think in the history of my life I had ever given any indication that I could or wanted to make balloon animals (or balloon sculptures as those in the business call them).

I’m not a great balloon animal maker. I can make a dog, a mouse and a giraffe with confidence. I have made rabbits, teddy bears and elephants but these take a long time to do and in the balloon game it's all about speed. I ask a kid what they would like, always hoping that they say a dog. Sometimes a kid will ask for something that I think looks close enough to something in my repertoire. I’ll make it and just say, “here's your cat” not mentioning that it looks exactly like a dog. At the Relay I asked one kid what she wanted and she replied “a dragon”. I didn’t think I could pass a giraffe off as a dragon. Another kid replied, rather smartly, “what can you make?” I rhymed them off while she listened intently weighing the pros and cons of each choice and then wisely decided on a white rabbit.

In the morning my friend Joey Jo Jo Shabadu Jr. and I were sitting outside the tent watching the sunrise when we saw just the most beautiful sight. A 9 year old boy running at full speed tripped over one of our tent pegs and skidded face first along the dew soaked grass.

Here is a picture from the luminary ceremony.

Quick Update

The Relay for Life is tonight and I wanted to thank everybody that donated. If you haven't donated and are feeling a little left out, buck up cowboy or girl, I'm extending the deadline to July 21st, 2008. The link is on the right hand side of this page. Happy now?

Raising money is quite easy when you're a large man with a hair trigger temper.

Rowing

I started rowing about three weeks ago. I’ve always wanted to get an Olympic medal and since they rarely go on sale and I don’t believe “Searching for Arcane Inane Facts on Google” is an Olympic event yet I took up rowing. I think two words accurately describe rowing, “really freakin’ hard”. I go Tuesdays and Thursdays but I missed the first Thursday to see comedy legend Don Rickles at Casino Rama. Since I missed the first Thursday I asked if I could do a makeup class and was lucky enough to get a spot in the Saturday and Sunday Learn to Row class. The weekend classes were three hours a day so by the end of it on Sunday I worked my abs so much I felt like they could stop a bullet. They’re now back to their normal pudding-like state.

When I went back to my regular team on Tuesday they had all attended the Thursday class that I missed and not knowing that I had attended the weekend session thought they were far and away more advanced than me. “This is an oar Skippy, can you say oar?” I tried to play along, hoping that if I did well enough they’d give me ice cream after the session.

There are two instructors for our sessions. One is a no-nonsense drill instructor kind of guy. If you’ve ever seen Full Metal Jacket you know the type. The other is a scatterbrain who praises us for doing the most basic of tasks. “You got in the boat, good job, good job. You moved your oar, you’re awesome.”

I’m in the scatterbrain’s boat. On the first night I rowed we hit an anchored boat and the dock. On the second night we didn’t hit anything; but, the person sitting in four seat (I’m in six seat so four seat is the first seat behind me with an oar on the same side) kept hitting my oar because he wasn’t in sync with the rest of the rowers.

The third night was the worst so far. The seats in these boats have wheels and are placed in rails so they slide while rowing. My seat was not properly in the slide and consequently I couldn’t row properly and because I couldn’t row in sync the person behind me kept hitting me in the back with her oar handle. On top of that I usually have a very attractive woman sitting in front of me but on this night we mixed it up a bit so we could get a feel for rowing on the other side and I had this terrible beast in front of me. Regarding the actual rowing, well, we got blown into a cove, hit an anchored boat and the dock and then had to be pushed out by a passerby. We also hit the breakwall on the way back but managed to get ourselves out of that with considerable effort. While we were in the cove we saw the other boat whiz by with their instructing shouting instructions at them (in German I believe).

On the fourth night we hit a dock and got trapped in some floating tires that have been setup to prevent you from hitting the dock. They’re going to need more than tires to prevent us from hitting stuff. After our session, the second group was short one person and asked if anybody wanted to row again. Being a bit of a sadist I said sure and maybe I can wear clothespins on my nipples for the ride. I went out again and the ride was so much smoother, the boat was balanced and everyone was in sync but the rowing was a lot harder. I was very happy to get back to dry land and walk on my rubbery legs to my car.

Garage Sale for the Relay

A few weekends ago we held a garage sale to raise money for the Relay for Life. Although, I've since heard that there was a massive garage sale the same weekend to raise money for another cancer event our dinky little one was not tied to it. There were 4 of us participating; myself, Daisy, Monkey and Joey Jo Jo Shabadu Jr (not their real names).

I'm quite pleased to announce that we raised just shy of $504.00. Here are some of the highlights and lowlights from the sale:

• One of the items for sale was a gag voodoo kit. A tiny little doll with pins that you could use to get back at an ex-boyfriend, etc. A woman looked at it and said "I'm not ignorant but you shouldn't be selling this to raise money for charity." Whenever somebody says "I'm not ignorant but . . ." you can be sure that the next words out of their mouth will be something extremely ignorant. This woman also tried to buy our cooler for 50 cents, not realizing that it was actually the bottles of water inside the cooler that were going for 50 cents. When I tried to give her the bottle of water she said, "that's okay honey, I work at an after hours club and can get all the free water I want." We all can lady, it's called a tap.
• One woman asked Monkey if we still had the sombrero and how much it was. When she replied yes and 25 cents the woman gave her $20.00 and said thank you, keep the change. That's an 8000% mark up. Now I know how the cable company feels.
• On the flip side another woman took 2 purses at $2.00 each and a skirt for $1.00. She tried to give me $3.00. I said the price was $5.00. After trying to push $3.00 on me she finally broke and said she'd give me $4.00. I repeated that the price was $5.00 but I would throw in the mousepad that her husband wanted. She said $4.50. Obviously this woman wasn't getting it, I tried contorting my body into the shape of a 5 but I'm simply not flexible enough and was worried that people would start singing YMCA. I won the battle and got the $5.00 but they drove off with such hatred in their eyes that I wondered if I had violated their daughter (and/or goat) at any point during the transaction.
• Daisy purchased more goods than she donated but has a couple of nice summer ensembles now.
• One woman asked if we had any smaller planters. I told her I would check the storeroom and she waited patiently and then said "would you mind?"
• Monkey told a couple of slacker kids that they could keep their "stash" in a coconut head we were selling.
• We had one bin where anything in it was a nickel. These two kids almost cleared it out but left one coaster in there. I didn't know if they had such discerning taste that the coaster just wouldn't go with all the plastic tchotchke they bought or they ran out of nickels.
  
• An exercise bike was donated to the sale and we managed to sell it to some guy whose van was already so full that he wasn't able to fit the whole bike in. The handlebars were sticking out. Monkey told him not to speed on the way home and he promised to keep it under 90.
• On Saturday a man bought one mug out of a set of two. On Sunday, our first customer was the same man, looking for the matching mug. We didn't know if he met someone the night before and wanted matching cups to have coffee in or broke the first one after he got home and needed a replacement.
  

Boston

Despite buying our bus tickets in a Chinese bakery and only paying $15.00 for them the ride to Boston was uneventful, this is not always the case though as we learned later.

My main purpose for this entire trip was to see a couple of comedy shows in Boston (Somerville actually, just outside of Boston). On Friday night doktor cocacolamcdonalds, Eugene Mirman, Todd Barry and Emo Philips performed. On Saturday night The Walsh Brothers, Morgan Murphy, Jim Jeffries and Patton Oswalt were on the bill.

I’m a huge fan of Todd Barry, Emo Philips and Patton Oswalt and Toronto isn’t exactly a comedy hotbed so I figured I could kill three birds with one stone by going to Boston.

The other comedians were amusing though doktor cocacolamcdonalds was a little odd (hard to imagine based on the name).

The Walsh Brothers did their entire act about the Fung Wah Bus Company. Apparently, the bus has run out of gas on the freeway, caught on fire on more than one occasion, lost an axel, rolled over a few times and left many passengers stranded at McDonalds in Connecticut. They closed the act by performing a theme song they had written for the Fung Wah. One Walsh brother changed into a yellow jumpsuit a la Bruce Lee in Game of Death while the other wore a karate gi and a giant ceramic Hello Kitty head while “floating” around the stage. It was a catchy number.

As I mentioned, the venue was located just outside of Boston, so, not knowing our way around the city we took a cab there. The cab ride cost $20 ($10 each). This was only $5.00 per person less than the ride from New York to Boston. When we got to the theatre we realized there was a subway stop right beside it. We took the subway back but had difficulty figuring out how to buy a pass. We eventually got one and the plan was for me to go through and then pass to card back to Auntie Monkey so she could go through. The entrance is not a turnstile but doors that open like in Star Trek. You put your card in the front of the machine, it slides through and pops up, once you take the card back the doors open and you run through. We didn’t realize any of this was going to happen so once the doors opened we panicked and both ran through. After getting a taste for the criminal life we decided we might as well do this the next time we had to take the subway (plus, since I was always going through first, it would be Auntie Monkey’s ass they hauled off to jail and not mine). Total cost of two people taking the subway three times, $5.10.

The only other thing of note that happened in Boston was my running into the FBI. I was waiting outside a store when I saw a small group of Midwesterners standing around and two boys around 15 or 16, also Midwesterners, walk up to them pointing at their brand new baseball hats. Both hats had FBI written in large letters on the front and, wait for it . . . written in small letters just beneath, Female Body Inspector. I think George Washington wore a hat like that when he first crossed the Delaware. This proved to be the height of hilarity for not only the boys but the entire group. There were high fives all around, mixed in with tears of laughter.

Day Three in New York

Day three was much the same as day two. We walked until our shoes dissolved and then walked a little bit more. There were a couple of interesting stores around. One called Auto advertised itself as “the mini department store”, but it looked like a regular store to me. We went to Soapology which is like Lush but classier. Inside, there was a little man in what looked like a 19^thcentury riding outfit, or at least, what I think a 19^th century riding outfit would look like. Upon seeing him I thought somewhere a grandmother is looking out her front door wondering where her lawn jockey went. Soapology has a bathtub in the store and they give each customer a hand wash, followed by a rejuvenating scrub and then some softening lotion. I couldn’t stop smelling my hands for three hours afterwards. I don’t remember all the product names but one of them was a walnut polisher which of course sent me into a fit of giggles. I would repeatedly tell Monkey that I needed to go polish the old walnut. This tickled me to no end and got absolutely no reaction out of her.

Another of my favourites was Mondo Kim’s, which has to be the greatest video store ever. It’s three (maybe more) stories of bizarre, obscure videos, the exact kind my brother and I love. An entire section devoted to women in prison flicks. Are you a fan of Blaxploitation? I know I am. Blacula, Blackenstein, Black Mama, White Mama, they’re all there.

I asked Monkey if she saw a comedy section anywhere and she replied, “no . . . oh wait, here’s UK directors.” Not really comedy, but good effort. I asked the cashier if there was a comedy section, he said, “like stand-up comedy?” I said, “any type of comedy”, he said, “no”. If you have no kind of comedy, why did you ask me what particular type of comedy I was looking for?

Me: Absurdist comedy?
Him: No.
Me: Physical comedy?
Him: No.
Me: Highbrow comedy?
Him: No.
Me: Three Stooges comedy?
Him: No.
Me: Vaudevillian comedy?
Him: No.
Me: Teenage coming of age comedy?
Him: No.
Me: College comedy?
Him: Yes. Wait, what did you say?
Me: College comedy.
Him: No.

We also went to Chinatown to purchase our bus tickets to Boston and visited the Chinatown Ice Cream Factory while we were there. The little man at Soapology told us about a brand of green tea ice cream that we could get in K-Town. Quickly realizing via the glazed look in our eyes that we had no idea what K-Town was he said, Korea Town. Well, that was convenient because we were staying in old K-Town. All this is moot though because we ended up getting the ice cream in Chinatown. Around the corner from the Ice Cream Factory is a Chinese candy shop. Rows and rows of glass jars filled with things you’d only see in medical labs. Pickled squid, honeyed hog snout, crunchy granola chicken beak; this is what they were trying to pass off as candy. There were also samples freely available so I tried one and immediately asked if they had a pair of scissors I could borrow to cut out my tongue.

After rinsing my mouth with bleach we went to the Fung Wah bus company to purchase our bus tickets. The Fung Wah travels New York to Boston and Boston to New York. Tickets are $15.00 and the bus leaves every hour, or when the driver is finished his cigarette and feels like it.

Day Two in New York

Busy, busy, busy. I’m normally the kind of guy whose social calendar for the year can be written in large print on the back of a postage stamp. I go to work, I go home, on rare occasions I’ll go to a Christmas dinner or birthday party but of late I’ve barely had time to throw eggs at old people or yell obscenities at children, never mind update the blog.

I’ll try to finish off the New York/Boston trip shortly but my heart just won’t be into it since it happened so long ago.

I’ll preface this by saying that Auntie Monkey has a bit of an obsessive personality. The way I like to visit a city is to do a lot of research and mark down anything I think may be of interest and try to group them by area and priority so I can minimize the amount of time wasted looking for stuff. Maybe, it’s actually me that has the obsessive personality. The way Auntie Monkey likes to travel is for me to do a lot of research and mark down anything that may be of interest to her (i.e., any place that sells shoes). Once we get to the city, if it’s on the list, it’s getting a visit, no matter how much time we have, or far away we are or little interest we have in it at the time.

I’ll give you an example. There’s a famous picture of Marilyn Monroe, taken during the filming of The Seven Year Itch. She is standing on a subway grate holding her dress down as it is billows around her. One of the tourist books I was reading mentioned that the grate was located at 52^nd and Lexington (I think, I don’t remember the exact address). I thought, hmm, moderately interesting and marked it down in case we were directly passing it. If we were at 53^rd and Lexington I wasn’t about to walk down to 52^nd to see a grate. Each time we finished a little section we would decide where to go next. Inevitably Monkey would say, what about the subway grate, and I would reply, it’s a little out of the way from here. As in about 40 freakin’ blocks out of the way. When we had finally finished looking at every single woman’s shoe in Manhattan Auntie Monkey said, where to now?

I’m going to give you a little perspective here. Health experts recommend that you walk 10,000 steps a day. This is equivalent to about 5 miles. The day before we had walked 28,000 steps and at this point today we had walked over 31,000 steps (that’s right, I wear a pedometer).

I suggested we go back to the hotel room and get pedicures (because I’m a little fruity at times). She said, how about we go check out the subway grate. Several blood vessels burst in my eyes and just behind my forehead. I calmly explained that there could be nude ballerinas giving away hot caramel sundaes and iPhones there and I still wouldn’t go. I then carved the words out of the page with an exacto knife, set them afire, encased the ashes in concrete and dropped it in the Hudson river. Auntie Monkey then said, does this mean you don’t want to see the subway grate?

New York - May 06, 2008

I went to New York and Boston over May 6 – 11^th. I was hoping to do daily blog updates but the wireless connections in the hotels were terrible. Plus, I was really tired at the end of each day.

I’ll still spread out the entries by day to keep things easier in my little pea brain. I should also mention that I had a traveling companion; you may know her as Auntie Monkey.

We decided to drive to the airport ourselves and park there. The reduced rate lot is $65.00 a week and there was a 20% off coupon on the website so the amount was actually $52.00. The reduced rate parking lot was packed, what a bunch of cheapskates, we ended up parking at the back of the lot. You then have to take a train to the terminal. The trains come fairly frequently, and despite all the cars in the lot, were practically empty.

I got in the wrong line at customs. The guy ahead of me seemed to be trying to use his business card as identification and the customs officer was oblivious to the growing line-up at his booth. I switched lines with no success as that customs officer wanted to get to know each person as a friend and dismiss with all this stuffy customs business. I finally got through, even with my carry-on full of tiger blood. I did have to dispose of my orange though.

In the washroom at the airport there is a vending machine that sells:

1. Condoms – in case you get lucky while waiting for your flight to Duluth.
2. Polo cologne – you increase your chance of getting lucky if you smell like the gymnasium at an all-boys Catholic high school.
3. Looney Tunes temporary tattoos – these will entertain your illegitimate child while you are getting lucky.

The flight was on a tiny plane but otherwise uneventful. We had prepaid for a shuttle to the hotel and went in search of that. This was a terrible ride. The driver barely spoke, he just kind of grunted and we intuited to follow him. The shuttle was van size with three rows of 3 seats. We made three more stops at the airport to pick up more passengers until the van was at capacity and then dropped each of them off individually. The shuttle ride took a half hour longer than the flight.

Checking into the hotel was very smooth. The front desk woman asked how many keys I would like and I told her 27. I’m a very friendly person but I don’t want to stay in the room to let people in all the time.

The hotel was nice enough for the price. I think hostels run around $200.00 a night in Manhattan.

Approximately four seconds after we checked in (Auntie Monkey doesn’t like to sit still) we went to play the giant game of Frogger that is New York traffic. Here are a few of my observations:

• The time between a traffic light turning green and the time you hear the first horn blast can be measured in nanoseconds.
• New Yorkers are always in a hurry with the exception of when there is a vehicle barreling toward them; then, it’s saunter time.
• Traffic lines are merely suggestions.
• No matter how far you stand in the middle of the street waiting to cross, some New Yorker is going to elbow his way ahead of you in order to get to the other side a fraction of a second faster.
• Sidewalks may be driven on provided they are a faster way of getting somewhere.

Babysitting

Sorry that it’s been so long between posts. I’m still recovering from the weekend. We babysat Snake and Rooster. Please allow me to refresh your memory on the cast of characters:

Snake – a dynamic, almost seven year old, who sees and hears everything. Snake makes the Tasmanian Devil seem like an arthritis riddled 80 year old trying to make her way through quicksand.

Rooster – Two and half and has me wrapped around her little finger. Rooster has warmed up a bit since we last met. She now lets me pick her up without fuss. Rooster enjoys jumping and running. When she’s excited, which is 98% of the time, she will jump straight up and down for a few seconds and then go tearing through the house giggling before stopping to jump some more.

Pig – Just turned one. The happiest boy I’ve ever seen. At the stage where he is pulling himself up to a standing position. Very often you’ll see just the top of his head over the arm of the couch.

Jabberjaw – Pig’s mom. I call her Jabberjaw for two reasons; one, she had a Jabberjaw lunch box in grade school which I believe she still has to this day and two, she talks a lot. Jabberjaw deftly weaves the art of conversation with the inability to stay focused so having a discussion with her is like trying to map out the path of a superball to its eventual destination.

Gook Gook (rhymes with hook hook) – Pig’s father and coincidentally, Jabberjaw’s husband. A well-spoken gent who regales the children with tales of the real estate market in the GTA.

Auntie Monkey – Jabberjaw’s older sister. The thought process of Auntie Monkey is different than anybody I’ve ever met.

Given the premise:

1. All men are mortal.
2. Socrates is a man.

She would round out the syllogism not by saying “Socrates is mortal” but “why is it pronounced Sock-rah-tees and not Sew-crates. I would think it should be Sew-crates. Did Plato invent play-doh? Or did he invent plates? I can never remember.”

Myself – Fat and cranky. Bit of a bastard at times. I will refer to myself as Uncle Fatty where necessary.

Mommy & Daddy – Snake and Rooster’s parents.

This weekend we also had company from:

Jook Jook – Rhymes with Gook Gook and is his brother.

Auntie Lola – Married to Jook Jook.

Coco – A mischievous three year old monkey.

Chili – A one year old with a head the size of a cantaloupe.

The babysitting started on Saturday at around 1pm. Mommy and Daddy unloaded an incredible amount of luggage and started bringing it in. Snake immediately wanted to play and dragged me down to the basement to put together a water activity toy. This thing came with various plastic parts attached to a plastic frame. Normally you can snap the parts of but in this case they needed to be cut so Snake ran upstairs to get two pairs of scissors. There were blue pieces and red pieces. She gave me the red pieces because she likes blue. She also instructed me on how to cut the pieces. “Cut pieces should be put here, if they need to be trimmed they go in this pile, cut close to the frame.” Thanks kid, I’ve used scissors before.

During the assembly I asked what Mommy and Daddy would be doing this weekend. She said, “they’ll have their fun.” I bet they will kid, I bet they will.

After the toy was completed we all went five pin bowling. Six adults, five children, one bowling lane. Coco has a peculiar bowling stance in that he holds the ball as if he were shot putting and tries to throw it towards the pins. Rooster was able to roll the ball halfway down the lane leaving it for the bowlers behind her to try and hit. Snake was a pretty good bowler and managed to get a couple of strikes.

We went five pin bowling because we were afraid that if we went ten pin, people would mistake Chili’s head for a bowling ball.

After bowling it was back to Jabberjaw & Gook Gook’s for a barbecue and soccer in the backyard. Snake loves soccer. I think I played about 15 hours of soccer over the weekend and was fortunate enough to be hit directly in the nuts only twice. I probably shouldn’t have been playing naked but hindsight is 20/20.

I Am The Biggest Loser

I wanted to update everyone on the Biggest Loser contest. I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won.

Sorry, my emotions got the better of me. I lost a whopping 14% of my starting weight (I was going to say “body weight” but then thought, what other kind of weight is there? I’m pretty sure my head was included in the weighing). 14% is an impressive number when talking about weight loss. Not so impressive when it’s the final mark on a physics exam. Incidentally copper wire, contrary to popular belief is an excellent conductor of electricity, may my lab partner rest in peace.

The person who came in second place lost a remarkable 9% of his starting weight. Our agreement was that only the top two percentages would become public knowledge. The others in the contest will have their information declassified 50 years after the last one of us is dead. Yes, it’s that top secret.

An Unrelated Note
Thank you to all of those who have already pledged me for for the Relay for Life. For those who haven't - good news - it's not too late. The Relay is on June 20th so get your pledge in while you can. Pledges can be made by going to my Relay for Life page (see links on the right side of the page) and clicking Pledge Me. If you don't want to pledge online and live in the GTA I will come to you. You simply have to give me directions to your dwelling, a copy of the key, instructions on where you keep your chequebook, a clean, legible copy of your signature suitable for forging and I'll take care of the rest.

My goal is $1000.00 and I've raised $565.00 thus far. Won't you be the person to donate $436.00 to put me over the edge or $10.00 to get me closer to the edge.

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers

I love shopping at Wal-Mart but sometimes it’s so crowded that it gets a little frustrating. Here are a few tips to help us all have a more enjoyable shopping experience.

1. It is not necessary to bring the entire family to the store. Immediate family only. I know you want to share the joy with as many kinfolk as possible but if you’re just dropping in to pick up a new pair of overalls for Cletus because the old ones were destroyed when the septic tank exploded please leave all nieces, nephews, step-children, in-laws and second cousins twice removed back home in the trailer park.



2. If you must bring children please try check on them every half hour or so. I’m not asking you to actually stop, or even see, what they’re doing. Simply scream, “Junior what all is you all doin’ o’er there”. More often than not the reply will be “nothing”. Even if Junior is copulating with a Butterball turkey in the frozen food section if he says “nothing” there’s not much more you can do.



3. If you bring a cup of coffee or other beverage into the store and finish said beverage while shopping please find a receptacle to place the cup/bottle/wineskin into. This receptacle ideally will be a garbage can and its purpose is to hold discarded material. Do not leave the cup/bottle/wineskin on the closest shelf and expect the Wal-Mart pixies to turn it into fairy dust.



4. Shopping carts are a handy tool but when you’re done with them how about bringing them to the big covered area where they are normally stored. I know this will take an extra seven seconds out of an already hectic day but it will also prevent having to weave around them as you’re trying to park your car. Most shopping carts are now equipped with wheels and can be rolled effortlessly to the nearest storage area.



5. On the subject of shopping carts, don’t leave them sideways in the middle of the aisle while you are looking at a product. Try to get as close to either side as possible so people don’t have to ask you to move your cart while you stare slack-jawed at the DVDs trying to decide if you should spend a $140.00 on the complete series of “Too Close for Comfort” or get grandpa’s heart medication. I’ll make the decision a little easier. The complete series comes with a bonus DVD of never-before-seen outtakes. Grandpa’s a good man but he’s no Ted Knight.

Happy Birthday Pig!!!

Today is my pseudo-nephew Pig's 1st birthday. I call him Pig, not because he's a messy eater, but because he was born in the year of the pig - and he is a messy eater. In his defense, how many one year olds do you know who use cutlery and will delicately dab at their lips with a napkin if a dollop of strained carrots goes astray?

Incidentally it is also my Dad's birthday today but he's not nearly as cute and mastered the art of eating well over four years ago. Good job Dad.

Pig is now able to cruise. This means he can do a kind of lopsided walk while holding onto something to steady himself. It's very similar to how I skate although probably more graceful.
He can also speak. It's in his own language but I'm starting to pick-up a few words here and there.

Eeeeeeeeee: I'm going to poke you directly in the eye now.
AAieoouuu: Now I will pull your lower lip as far as humanly possible.
Slllllp: Is that a good shirt? I'm going to drool on it.
Errrrrrp: I've just spit up. Let's play.
Aa Aa Aa: Those balloons frighten me ever so much.

I can't wait until he starts speaking English because the thought process of a child is one of the most amusing things I can think of. Two examples:

I was playing with my godson with oversize lego blocks (about the size of a Kleenex box). For some reason the lego block was supposed to be cake. I said, "Mmmm, a nice big piece of chocolate cake" to which he replied, in a very condescending tone I might add, "the block is white, it has to be vanilla cake." So let me get this straight. You're willing to go so far as to pretend a hard piece of plastic is cake but you're not willing to go far enough to pretend it's chocolate cake because it's white. Sounds logical.

On another occasion I was playing with Snake (Pig's older cousin). We were sitting on the couch pretending it was a car. Before we went for a drive we would buckle-up. This was a process that took a few minutes because we had about thirteen "seatbelts" each. Snake would place one of the cushions on her lap and we'd "drive" off. Sometimes she would say, now you drive, and pass me the wheel which just meant that she would no longer hold her hands as if holding on to a steering wheel and I would start holding my hands in such a manner. Each time we went for a drive we'd buckle-up and Snake would place the cushion on her lap. Finally I asked what it was, meaning, what is it supposed to be, considering our car was a couch and our steering wheel was non-existent I was expecting an answer like "a jet pack". She looked at me as if I just came into town from the mountains to see all the pretty lights and magic picture boxes. "It's a pillow". Luckily for me the word dumb-ass wasn't in her vocabulary at the time.

Happy Birthday Pig, I'm looking forward to the first time you roll your eyes at me thinking, "of all the pseudo-uncles in the world I had to get the dumbest."

Biggest Loser Update

We will soon be at the end of the Biggest Loser challenge. April 16th is the official end date, it was supposed to be April 14th but due to an issue with the scales (possible tampering with the load cell) and one of the contestants being disqualified for inhaling helium in an effort to increase his buoyancy the date has been pushed out.

How is it going you ask? Not too bad. At the start of this thing my plan was to walk to and from work (about 35 minutes each way) and eat healthier (cut out sweets, eat more vegetables, no more deep fried Mars bars for breakfast). I've been able to maintain both of those. There have only been two times since January 14th when I did not walk home from work and in both cases it was because I had to transport something heavy (they'll get their photocopier and fax machine back when I'm done with them). I've brought my lunch to work everyday and only ordered food for dinner once. The weekends are tough but I have made healthier choices when at restaurants. I no longer order my customary glass of corn syrup with my meals. I've also realized that butter is meant as a spread and not as an appetizer.

That's great but, how much have I actually lost? I can't divulge that information at this time for fear of giving my worthy opponents information that would somehow be used against me. I will give you a visual clue though. Please find below two pictures. The top one taken at the start of the contest and the bottom one taken today (just after I finished pulling a truck up hill using a rope tied around my waist).

Jan 14th, 2008
I like wearing blue because it has a slimming effect on me.


April 1st, 2008
Feeling good but I still need to work on those love handles.

Priceless Entertainment

First off, my apologies for being so lax lately. I'm weak from lack of food.

My favourite thing to do of late is browse the "Free" section of Craig's List. This started because I was looking for an old computer to setup a server on. I didn't want to spend a lot of money (or any if I could help it) so I thought I might be able to get a deal on Craig's List. That's when I saw the "Free" section. Are there good things posted here? I think it all depends on what you consider good, for me, it's offered hours of entertainment thus far.

Some samples of the postings.

Homemade Cat Gym
I don't have the exact wording of the post but it was along these lines, "I just finished making this cat gym and the cat run away!!!" There was a picture attached as well of what looked to be three scratching posts positioned at different heights to form a staircase. The cat may have run away because he was too embarrassed to be seen on the thing or once it was completed he realized his owner was a little too fond of catnip.

Coffee Pot
"Hi My coffee maker is broken but the pot is still good. Any one want it? It's a 12 cup glass pot, white trim - see picture. For a Black & Decker Smart Brew Delux (or similar) I'll clean it up if anyone can use it. Thanks"

This posting on its own is not all that amusing but the picture was wonderful. The poster had placed the coffee pot in the middle of a mattress and snapped the shot. It was obvious that the poster wanted to display the pot for would be takers but the coffee pot in the middle of the mattress just looked so out of place and, as my brother noted, all the light was at the front of the mattress so we could only see the coffee pot in the shadows.

Curb Alert
These are general postings where somebody has seen something on a curb somewhere and has put it on Craig's List to let the other scavengers know where it is. I can't imagine anyone saying to themselves "a slightly damaged IKEA desk only 25 miles away, Lurlene put on your party dress I just found junior's wedding present."

I've taken to posting false curb alerts at areas around the city to try and cause traffic jams.

Panda
"He could use a bit of a clean but he's really cute and cuddly. Come get him if you want him."

This heartbreaker is probably giving him away because she's moved on to a bigger, cuter and cuddlier panda.

$5.00 off coupon
"I've got an HMV Save $5 coupon that expires april 30, 2008. You can save $5 when you buy 3 of these CDs.
Carrie Underwood - Carnival Ride
Britney - Blackout
Brian Melo - upcoming 2007 release
Kalan Porter - Wake Up Living
Paul Potts - One Chance
Bruce Springsteen - Magic
Santana - All time greatest hits
Alicia Keys - As i Am"

Wow, I can save $5.00 when I buy any three of these crappy CDs? The woman who sits behind me at work (I don't know who the woman who sits behind me at home is. I've been meaning to ask her who she is and how she got into my apartment) LOVES Bruce Springsteen so for fear of experiencing her wrath I'll say that with the exception of Bruce these are all junk. Brian Melo and Kalan Porter - winners of Canadian Idol, come on. These things are going to sell 12 copies total and that's including the ones Kalan and Brian will have to buy for themselves.

Playing Cards
"Three packs of Molson playing cards. Take as few or as many as you like."

I like how this guy makes it seem like he has a plethora of playing cards for your perusal. "Take as few or as many as you like." Playing cards for all my friends. Take some for your relatives. Take an extra pack for the ride home. Does your dog play cards? Take a pack for him - good boy. They're all Molson decks and he only has three of them. The choices seem a little limited to me.

Shower Stall Curtain
"White vinyl shower stall curtain. Metal reinforcements, mildew resistant. Measures 48" wide, was too narrow for my shower stall."

Oh my god, is this a magic shower curtain. Let me get this straight, metal reinforcements AND mildew resistant. Usually it's one or the other. He must have bought this in Kazakhstan because that's the only country where you can get a quality shower curtain like this one.

Last of the Europe Pictures

The last two places I went were Munich and Amsterdam - loved Munich, hated Amsterdam. I'm not even entirely sure why I liked Munich so much. I didn't do a whole lot there but the city was extremely clean, everyone was polite and the air conditioning in my hotel room was top notch - pretty much a diametric opposite of Rome. Amsterdam may be a stoner's paradise but for a straight upstanding citizen such as myself I didn't approve of all the drugs and carrying-on.

Munich - Where they do Gothic right.




This is the entrance to the Dachau concentration camp. The gate says "Arbeit Macht Frei" which translates as "work shall set you free". This makes much more sense than my translation of "all workers must wash hands".


A memorial at the concentration camp.


The Michelin Man's older, handsomer, smarter and thinner older brother. Oooh how the Michelin Man hates him.


If memory serves, this one was taken in Amsterdam


You'll have to click to enlarge the picture and see all that the club offers but "ficken auf der buhne" is one of their specialities. You don't even want to know what that translates to.


The hidden staircase leading up to the attic where Anne Frank and her family hid. I don't know why it was so hard to find them, there were signs all over the place.

Dirty, Dirty Rome

Rome was the place I'm least likely to visit again. The city was dirty, the trains were filthy and the lineups were insane. The reason popes are so old is probably because they have to wait in line outside the Vatican before they're ordained.

The history of Rome is of course extremely interesting and there are ruins everywhere which are pretty cool to look at but the city is so run down you don't know if you're looking at an ancient ruin or a slumlord's building.

Here are some shots of St. Peter's Basilica. It doesn't look very crowded because most of the people waiting have expired and been carted away to be fed to the jackals.


A closeup of the roof of St. Peter's Basilica. Some of the figures are holding crosses as a subtle reminder that Jesus was crucified. Come on kids, it's been 2000 years, how about stopping your bellyaching.


I think this is a statue of St. Peter. Whoever it is he looks very judgmental.


Assorted fountains and ruins.












This statue amuses me. Obviously the sculptor ran out of time and thought "what are the most recognizable features of this guy? His face would be good to show and probably his penis, everyone remembers his penis."


Vatican Museum - for those who can't translate the Latin inscription.


You'll have to click on this picture to enlarge it but pretty much right in the middle is a poster stating that you're not allowed to wear bathing suits in the museum. After waiting four days in line in the scorching heat you're damn lucky I'm wearing anything.


One of the ceilings in the Vatican museum. You're not allowed to take any photos of the Sistine Chapel which is the main thing I wanted to take pictures of but this is still pretty cool.


This is from the tomb of the unknown soldier. I just like this shot.


The Colosseum.


Inside the Colosseum.



Apparently these guys didn't hear that the Empire fell.

Switzerland - Beautiful but Boring

If you're going to Switzerland and don't ski bring a book and/or try to catch up on your sleep. I spent 5 days in Zurich and spent most of the time saying "how much?!?!?!? are you out of your freakin' cheese lovin' mind?"

This is the most exciting thing to see in Zurich - a gigantic cuckoo clock. Whenever I asked what type of tourist attractions were around the reply was inevitably "have you seen the clock yet?"


After I got tired of the clock I spent 2 days staring at this thing.


Finally, I decided to take a day trip and went to Lucerne. The picture below shows the actual Keebler elf factory. Head office is still located in a tree but the cookie production is done in the tower.


The "official" explanation of this "carving" is that it commemorates the hundreds of Swiss Guards who were massacred in 1792 during the French Revolution. In actuality it is a lion that was accidentally covered in concrete and the Swiss made up the story to avoid embarrassment.


I also decided to do some mountain climbing.


Thank god for this warning sign - "Please don't fall off the mountain".





In retrospect I should have just used the cable cars.


Bern - The city where Einstein came up with the theory of relativity. It's also where I came up with the idea for a shampoo that cuts your hair while cleaning it but I doubt anybody will be talking about that 100 years from now.


Einstein's apartment in Bern. You'd think the plants would have died.


There is an odd law in Zurich that you must have a hat in order to descend stairs. You're allowed to ascend hatless but descending is punishable by a fine or a day's imprisonment. Of course the hat salesman congregate at the top of stairways and make a killing.


James Joyce's grave. The grave stone is just in front of this statue but I thought the statue would be more interesting to look at. In my opinion he is the greatest novelist in the English language and whether you agree (or even care) or not I climbed about 3 vertical miles of stairs to get here and had to buy 3 hats on the way down because they kept blowing off so I'm posting the damn picture.

Paris - A Smoker's Paradise

Paris was my favourite city on the trip. I inhaled about a carton of cigarettes a day through second hand smoke and yes, some of the shopkeepers were rude but I stayed there a full week and never ran out of things to do.

This is Sacre Coeur in the Montmartre section of Paris. It is at the very top of the city. I once tried to pronounce it in French for a friend who replied "did you just throw-up in my ear?" I'll admit my French is horrible.


The Arc de Triomphe stands in a traffic circle that must have been designed by the Marquis de Sade. I believe 11 "lanes" of traffic all merge into it but it's impossible to tell because there are no lines.


The most thankless job in Paris, directing traffic at the Arc de Triomphe.


A car trying to change lanes at the Arc de Triomphe. He'd been circling for three weeks.


It's a crying shame but graffiti artists seem to get everywhere. I bunch of them have carved their names into the inside of the Arc. I bet if the police ever catch that Bonaparte kid he's going to have some explaining to do.


The view from atop the Arc.


Wikipedia says that 6,719,200 people visited the Eiffel Tower in 2006. I think 6,719,198 of them were ahead of me in line. I'd hate to be that poor bastard behind me.


The view from atop the Eiffel Tower.


I think this is the entrance to a public washroom. Paris's motto is "go big or go home . . . American's just go home."


Below is the bell at Notre Dame. I didn't know this before I visited Notre Dame but the first bell ringer actually had no arms. He was unable to pulls the ropes but would take a run at the bell and hit it with his head. Unfortunately this wasn't very effective and the Monsignor would tell him that the bells had to be louder. Each day he would take a harder run at the bell until one time he hit them so hard he was knocked unconscious and fell out of the bell tower. The police arrived and asked who he was. The Monsignor replied "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell." My apologies, that was a long journey for a pretty bad destination.



Notre Dame


The entrance to the Pantheon, a veritable who's who of dead French guys. I spent a lot of time in the crypt hiding behind pillars and yelling "boo" at the people who passed by. Eventually I was escorted out.


The inside of the Pantheon.


The tombs of Marie & Pierre Curie. Thanks to radioactivity I was able to microwave a burrito right on top of the lid.

I don't know what this is but it sat outside my hotel room the entire trip and scared the crap out of me.


The entrance to Musée de l'érotisme. No that's not a statue of me but it does bear a striking similarity.


A piece at the museum. We never see this type of garden gnome in Toronto.


This is somebody's tombstone. I'm guessing Ricardo was a cat person.


The Eiffel Tower one last time.