Whitchurch-Stouffville Strawberry Festival

Last Saturday I went to the Whitchurch-Stouffville Strawberry Festival. The festival itself was pretty run of the mill but they did have two of the most horrendous mascots I've ever seen. One was a strawberry, which makes sense based on the name of the festival, and the other was a large round yellow thing that I suspect represented the sun as it was standing at the Small Town Sun newspaper booth. Needless to say, after pushing a few kids out of the way, I got my picture taken with both of them.

The strawberry looked like a tomato that had seen better days. Monkey took the picture but it was a little too close and parts of me and Strawberry were cut off. I asked Strawberry if I could get another picture to which he/she replied "mmmphh", apparently the costume wasn't very conducive to enunciation.

After I got the picture taken with the sun she lifted up her mask and shouted at a kid passing by "Adam go home you're bothering everyone."

Jabberjaw has an obsession with mascots and may well have the largest collection of mascot photos in the world. The best part of her photos is that the majority of time the mascot doesn't even know she's there. She'll casually sidle up to a family that has gathered for a photo, or run beside a mascot, pausing to flash a smile to the camera, and then run off to the next one. It's an operation that requires split second timing and her husband Gook Gook is certainly up to the task. Because of her tenacity and stealth and Gook Gook's quick trigger finger Jabberjaw can been seen in more family photos at Disney World than Mickey Mouse.

On the drive to the festival I spotted a sign that read "Swimming Lessons - In Your Pool" which seemed to me like an ideal way to earn some money while getting free use of a pool. Bearing that in my mind I present the following courses:

• "Film Studies - Using Your Own Large Screen HD TV - act now and we'll throw in, absolutely free, How to Cook Microwave Popcorn in Your Microwave"
• "How to Cook and Eat Lobster in Your Kitchen"
• "Maximize Your Hot Tub's Potential"
• "Is Your Bed as Comfortable as it Could Be? Let Our Sleep Expert Be the Judge."
• "How to Make Love to Your Wife - Using Your Wife"

Relay for Life 2009

Sorry to keep you all in suspense for so long but I'm happy to report that the Relay this year was a rousing success.

Including offline pledges each member of the Super Karate Monkeys exceeded their individual goal and the team as a whole came in just shy of $6000.00 which is well above our goal of $5000.00.

The event itself raised over $222,000 which just blew the lid off the $154,000.00 goal.

Thank you for all your support.

Cobourg Highland Games Festival

The weekend before last I went to the Cobourg Highland Games Festival. For some odd reason I've always wanted to see the Heavy Events (hammer tossing, caber tossing, sheaf tossing). I was not disappointed.

I was unaware that the caber toss is a contest of accuracy rather than distance. The goal is to toss the caber so it rotates once and lands pointing straight ahead. Comparing the toss to the numbers on a clock, a perfect toss is 12:oo o'clock. The announcer kept yelling out "2 o'clock, 4' o'clock, 11:59" and I thought maybe he'd had too much of the sauce, after all the Games' motto is "Don't drink whiskey without water or water without whiskey". One caber toss came within about three inches of landing on some guy's van.

I did not get to see the legendary Kevin Fast compete as he was tossing later in the day and there is only so much bagpipe music a man can stand. Kevin Fast is a Lutheran Pastor with a doctorate degree in Ministry (D. Min.) who just happens to hold the world record for heaviest truck pull. Two disparate accomplishments that impress me to no end.

I did see his son compete in the amateur division of the heavy events competition. He looked like a young Jason Priestly and tossed the caber like . . . sorry, I'm not familiar enough with great caber tossers to make an adequate comparison.

One of the other events at the festival was The Blades of Glory (http://www.bladesofglory.ca/); a group of performers who teach medieval history while staging sword fights. Some of the performers are Talus the Dragonlord, Gunthar the Slayer, Throttigarr Stormbringer and Malcolm. I'm guessing Malcolm had a little trouble coming up with a fearful medieval name.

The performance was well done but the illusion evaporated when I saw Sir Frederick Wallace the Great having a smoke and reading People magazine.

Finally, one of the most ingenious things I have ever seen was a member of the drum corps resting a plate of poutine on her snare drum.

How many times have you been somewhere, a picnic, barbecue, some other crowded family gathering where you can't sit at the table because it's reserved for Aunt Ethel and Uncle Mortimer and all the other ancient, dilapidated relatives so you have to eat standing up and somehow precariously balance your plate and beverage while cutting your food into bite-sized pieces so you don't end up shoving an entire piece of cake in your mouth?

Well my friends your troubles are over. Behold, the Pearl Championship Aluminum Snare Drum Plate and Beverage Carrier.

Strap this on, secure your plate and beverage and your life just got a whole lot easier. Eat, drink, juggle - the possibilities are endless.

The Pie Shack

RELAY UPDATE - As of the morning of June 9th, we are $400 away from our goal of $5000.

Last Saturday I went to the Beaches and had the good fortune of stumbling across a little place called the Pie Shack. When I say stumbled, I mean literally because I had been drinking quite heavily that day and have a poor sense of balance due to losing the big toe on my left foot in a 3-legged race gone awry.

The Pie Shack serves both sweet and savoury pies. They were all out of sweet pies when Monkey and I arrived but they were expected any minute. We found this out from the owner, Tim McConvey, who is most likely the friendliest man alive while also being just unpredictable enough to be slightly frightening.

Tim talked to every customer for about 15 to 20 minutes. This made them really feel like they were appreciated and valued; of course it also meant that if you were third in line you'd be waiting 30 - 40 minutes to order, which had the opposite effect.

We decided to have a savoury pie and a pot of tea while we waited in the hope that the sweet pies would arrive. I had a quiche lorraine and Monkey had a chicken pot pie. We both agreed that the pies were delicious. The Pie Shack has decks of cards on the tables so as we waited for the sweet pies we played an intense game of Crazy 8s and sipped tea.

Finally the sweet pies arrived. I had a slice of peach while Monkey had strawberry-rhubarb. Again, both delicious, perhaps due to the copious amounts of butter used.

I can't think of a more pleasant way to spend a Saturday afternoon, other than chucking eggs at old people from a moving car.

Five More Days

The Relay for Life starts at 7:00pm on June 12. Our team is incredibly excited about the Relay this year because they will be giving signs to teams that raise $5000 Bronze, $7500 Silver or $10,000 Gold. The Super Karate Monkeys are currently at around $4400 including offline pledges. That means we have a chance at a bronze sign. There's nothing I'd like more than to get that sign and strut around the track as if I were the cock of the walk. I've been called a cock many times - many, many times - but this would be different. I suppose it would also be nice to raise $5000.00 for the Canadian Cancer Society.

As the captain and best looking member of the team I set my goal at a lofty $1500.00 and am happy to say I achieved it. Now that the crunch is on I've raised the bar and added another $200.00 to the goal. The only other time I've raised the bar is during a limbo competition. I managed to make it through by tipping my head back ever so slightly.

So, I guess what I'm asking is can you help a brother out? Forward this link to anybody you know who has $5.00 and the desire to help eradicate a deadly disease.

Dave's Donation Page

P.S. Donations of $20 or more will receive a tax receipt and a visit from either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie depending on your sexual preference and/or willingness to experiment.

Disclaimer: You probably will not receive a visit from either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.

. . . and another thing that chafes my ass

I saw the movie Up last night. Fabulous movie, highly recommended. The thing that gets me is why every ignorant, gum chomping, ditzy teenager who can't live four minutes without their cell phone in case they miss an idiotic message from another ignorant, gum chomping, ditzy teenager saying "Jeremy told Chad to tell his sister that he might like you if you think that maybe you like him" feels the need to put their feet on the seat on front of them. This isn't your damn living room. I don't even know why this is considered comfortable. Rarely do I sit at home with my legs sticking up at a 45 degree angle and resting on the back of a thin piece of fabric covered plastic digging into my calves. Yesterday I saw a 250 pound woman with her painted hoof draped over the back of a chair. I have no idea how she managed to wedge herself into that position but she needed the jaws of life to get out.

Back to the movie - it was in 3D, which for some reason freaked Monkey out. Just as I was about to buy tickets she said "wait, it's in 3D". To which I replied "so what". "I don't know, I don't know if I agree with that. I don't want to wear the glasses. This should have been disclosed up front . . ." While she was babbling, I purchased the tickets. We went to our theatre, grabbed our glasses and found seats. The glasses are made out of plastic now, not the crappy paper kind that they used to give out and they fit reasonably well despite my horribly misshapen head (see last entry). The 3D effect is much better than the last 3D movie I saw which was Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983). A review on IMDB writes that it " . . . is one of the worst crimes ever committed to celluloid" - I wouldn't rate it as highly.

A Successful SASKMRFLGS

The Second Annual Super Karate Monkey Relay for Life Garage Sale (it just rolls off the tongue doesn't it) is over and I think we're all a little older and a little wiser. I'm exactly 11 days older but I'll tell you, it feels more like 15 or 16. As for being wiser, when I say a little wiser, I'm exaggerating, I'm infinitesimally wiser. I think the only thing I learned is that Harlequin titles are extremely repetitive. Monkey goes through 4 to 5 Harlequins a week so we had lots to sell. Joey Jo Jo Shabadu Jr. created a game where we used the Harlequin title for charades. Eventually we had stock moves for just about everything they had. From the Harlequin website today, these are the top ten bestsellers:

1. Taming the Texas Tycoon


2. Pregnant with the Billionaire's Baby


3. Having the Billionaire's Baby


4. The Brunelli Baby Bargain


5. Billionaire Prince, Pregnant Mistress


6. The Illegitimate King


7. Intimate Seduction


8. Bought for Marriage


9. The Santangeli Marriage


10. Royal Seducer

Babies, billionaires and royalty seem to be big with the romance writers. I actually tried to act out "Intimate Seduction" and along with dislocating my hip I was banned from the street for a year.

One thing I definitely didn't learn last year, and probably won't remember next year, is that I need to be lathered in sun screen if I'm going to spend anytime outside. I'm extremely pale; photographers use me to set the white balance in their cameras. Over the weekend I was burned to a nice glowing red. After three days I started peeling so badly that it looked like I was in the early stages of leprosy. I hate the feel of sunscreen on my skin but I'm also not fond of my arms emanating enough heat to fry bacon. People, often tell me that I need to wear a hat. That's all well and good for people with normal shaped heads, I however look like Forest Gump's dimwitted cousin when I wear one. I'm not sure what it is but baseball caps always look slanted and toques ride up my head like an elastic around a basketball. Luckily I have enough thick luxurious hair to hide whatever hideous deformity mars my skull.

The garage sale made $475.00, which is about $30.00 less than last year but in these tough economic times still considered a good return.