I Am The Biggest Loser

I wanted to update everyone on the Biggest Loser contest. I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won.

Sorry, my emotions got the better of me. I lost a whopping 14% of my starting weight (I was going to say “body weight” but then thought, what other kind of weight is there? I’m pretty sure my head was included in the weighing). 14% is an impressive number when talking about weight loss. Not so impressive when it’s the final mark on a physics exam. Incidentally copper wire, contrary to popular belief is an excellent conductor of electricity, may my lab partner rest in peace.

The person who came in second place lost a remarkable 9% of his starting weight. Our agreement was that only the top two percentages would become public knowledge. The others in the contest will have their information declassified 50 years after the last one of us is dead. Yes, it’s that top secret.

An Unrelated Note
Thank you to all of those who have already pledged me for for the Relay for Life. For those who haven't - good news - it's not too late. The Relay is on June 20th so get your pledge in while you can. Pledges can be made by going to my Relay for Life page (see links on the right side of the page) and clicking Pledge Me. If you don't want to pledge online and live in the GTA I will come to you. You simply have to give me directions to your dwelling, a copy of the key, instructions on where you keep your chequebook, a clean, legible copy of your signature suitable for forging and I'll take care of the rest.

My goal is $1000.00 and I've raised $565.00 thus far. Won't you be the person to donate $436.00 to put me over the edge or $10.00 to get me closer to the edge.

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers

I love shopping at Wal-Mart but sometimes it’s so crowded that it gets a little frustrating. Here are a few tips to help us all have a more enjoyable shopping experience.

1. It is not necessary to bring the entire family to the store. Immediate family only. I know you want to share the joy with as many kinfolk as possible but if you’re just dropping in to pick up a new pair of overalls for Cletus because the old ones were destroyed when the septic tank exploded please leave all nieces, nephews, step-children, in-laws and second cousins twice removed back home in the trailer park.



2. If you must bring children please try check on them every half hour or so. I’m not asking you to actually stop, or even see, what they’re doing. Simply scream, “Junior what all is you all doin’ o’er there”. More often than not the reply will be “nothing”. Even if Junior is copulating with a Butterball turkey in the frozen food section if he says “nothing” there’s not much more you can do.



3. If you bring a cup of coffee or other beverage into the store and finish said beverage while shopping please find a receptacle to place the cup/bottle/wineskin into. This receptacle ideally will be a garbage can and its purpose is to hold discarded material. Do not leave the cup/bottle/wineskin on the closest shelf and expect the Wal-Mart pixies to turn it into fairy dust.



4. Shopping carts are a handy tool but when you’re done with them how about bringing them to the big covered area where they are normally stored. I know this will take an extra seven seconds out of an already hectic day but it will also prevent having to weave around them as you’re trying to park your car. Most shopping carts are now equipped with wheels and can be rolled effortlessly to the nearest storage area.



5. On the subject of shopping carts, don’t leave them sideways in the middle of the aisle while you are looking at a product. Try to get as close to either side as possible so people don’t have to ask you to move your cart while you stare slack-jawed at the DVDs trying to decide if you should spend a $140.00 on the complete series of “Too Close for Comfort” or get grandpa’s heart medication. I’ll make the decision a little easier. The complete series comes with a bonus DVD of never-before-seen outtakes. Grandpa’s a good man but he’s no Ted Knight.

Happy Birthday Pig!!!

Today is my pseudo-nephew Pig's 1st birthday. I call him Pig, not because he's a messy eater, but because he was born in the year of the pig - and he is a messy eater. In his defense, how many one year olds do you know who use cutlery and will delicately dab at their lips with a napkin if a dollop of strained carrots goes astray?

Incidentally it is also my Dad's birthday today but he's not nearly as cute and mastered the art of eating well over four years ago. Good job Dad.

Pig is now able to cruise. This means he can do a kind of lopsided walk while holding onto something to steady himself. It's very similar to how I skate although probably more graceful.
He can also speak. It's in his own language but I'm starting to pick-up a few words here and there.

Eeeeeeeeee: I'm going to poke you directly in the eye now.
AAieoouuu: Now I will pull your lower lip as far as humanly possible.
Slllllp: Is that a good shirt? I'm going to drool on it.
Errrrrrp: I've just spit up. Let's play.
Aa Aa Aa: Those balloons frighten me ever so much.

I can't wait until he starts speaking English because the thought process of a child is one of the most amusing things I can think of. Two examples:

I was playing with my godson with oversize lego blocks (about the size of a Kleenex box). For some reason the lego block was supposed to be cake. I said, "Mmmm, a nice big piece of chocolate cake" to which he replied, in a very condescending tone I might add, "the block is white, it has to be vanilla cake." So let me get this straight. You're willing to go so far as to pretend a hard piece of plastic is cake but you're not willing to go far enough to pretend it's chocolate cake because it's white. Sounds logical.

On another occasion I was playing with Snake (Pig's older cousin). We were sitting on the couch pretending it was a car. Before we went for a drive we would buckle-up. This was a process that took a few minutes because we had about thirteen "seatbelts" each. Snake would place one of the cushions on her lap and we'd "drive" off. Sometimes she would say, now you drive, and pass me the wheel which just meant that she would no longer hold her hands as if holding on to a steering wheel and I would start holding my hands in such a manner. Each time we went for a drive we'd buckle-up and Snake would place the cushion on her lap. Finally I asked what it was, meaning, what is it supposed to be, considering our car was a couch and our steering wheel was non-existent I was expecting an answer like "a jet pack". She looked at me as if I just came into town from the mountains to see all the pretty lights and magic picture boxes. "It's a pillow". Luckily for me the word dumb-ass wasn't in her vocabulary at the time.

Happy Birthday Pig, I'm looking forward to the first time you roll your eyes at me thinking, "of all the pseudo-uncles in the world I had to get the dumbest."

Biggest Loser Update

We will soon be at the end of the Biggest Loser challenge. April 16th is the official end date, it was supposed to be April 14th but due to an issue with the scales (possible tampering with the load cell) and one of the contestants being disqualified for inhaling helium in an effort to increase his buoyancy the date has been pushed out.

How is it going you ask? Not too bad. At the start of this thing my plan was to walk to and from work (about 35 minutes each way) and eat healthier (cut out sweets, eat more vegetables, no more deep fried Mars bars for breakfast). I've been able to maintain both of those. There have only been two times since January 14th when I did not walk home from work and in both cases it was because I had to transport something heavy (they'll get their photocopier and fax machine back when I'm done with them). I've brought my lunch to work everyday and only ordered food for dinner once. The weekends are tough but I have made healthier choices when at restaurants. I no longer order my customary glass of corn syrup with my meals. I've also realized that butter is meant as a spread and not as an appetizer.

That's great but, how much have I actually lost? I can't divulge that information at this time for fear of giving my worthy opponents information that would somehow be used against me. I will give you a visual clue though. Please find below two pictures. The top one taken at the start of the contest and the bottom one taken today (just after I finished pulling a truck up hill using a rope tied around my waist).

Jan 14th, 2008
I like wearing blue because it has a slimming effect on me.


April 1st, 2008
Feeling good but I still need to work on those love handles.

Priceless Entertainment

First off, my apologies for being so lax lately. I'm weak from lack of food.

My favourite thing to do of late is browse the "Free" section of Craig's List. This started because I was looking for an old computer to setup a server on. I didn't want to spend a lot of money (or any if I could help it) so I thought I might be able to get a deal on Craig's List. That's when I saw the "Free" section. Are there good things posted here? I think it all depends on what you consider good, for me, it's offered hours of entertainment thus far.

Some samples of the postings.

Homemade Cat Gym
I don't have the exact wording of the post but it was along these lines, "I just finished making this cat gym and the cat run away!!!" There was a picture attached as well of what looked to be three scratching posts positioned at different heights to form a staircase. The cat may have run away because he was too embarrassed to be seen on the thing or once it was completed he realized his owner was a little too fond of catnip.

Coffee Pot
"Hi My coffee maker is broken but the pot is still good. Any one want it? It's a 12 cup glass pot, white trim - see picture. For a Black & Decker Smart Brew Delux (or similar) I'll clean it up if anyone can use it. Thanks"

This posting on its own is not all that amusing but the picture was wonderful. The poster had placed the coffee pot in the middle of a mattress and snapped the shot. It was obvious that the poster wanted to display the pot for would be takers but the coffee pot in the middle of the mattress just looked so out of place and, as my brother noted, all the light was at the front of the mattress so we could only see the coffee pot in the shadows.

Curb Alert
These are general postings where somebody has seen something on a curb somewhere and has put it on Craig's List to let the other scavengers know where it is. I can't imagine anyone saying to themselves "a slightly damaged IKEA desk only 25 miles away, Lurlene put on your party dress I just found junior's wedding present."

I've taken to posting false curb alerts at areas around the city to try and cause traffic jams.

Panda
"He could use a bit of a clean but he's really cute and cuddly. Come get him if you want him."

This heartbreaker is probably giving him away because she's moved on to a bigger, cuter and cuddlier panda.

$5.00 off coupon
"I've got an HMV Save $5 coupon that expires april 30, 2008. You can save $5 when you buy 3 of these CDs.
Carrie Underwood - Carnival Ride
Britney - Blackout
Brian Melo - upcoming 2007 release
Kalan Porter - Wake Up Living
Paul Potts - One Chance
Bruce Springsteen - Magic
Santana - All time greatest hits
Alicia Keys - As i Am"

Wow, I can save $5.00 when I buy any three of these crappy CDs? The woman who sits behind me at work (I don't know who the woman who sits behind me at home is. I've been meaning to ask her who she is and how she got into my apartment) LOVES Bruce Springsteen so for fear of experiencing her wrath I'll say that with the exception of Bruce these are all junk. Brian Melo and Kalan Porter - winners of Canadian Idol, come on. These things are going to sell 12 copies total and that's including the ones Kalan and Brian will have to buy for themselves.

Playing Cards
"Three packs of Molson playing cards. Take as few or as many as you like."

I like how this guy makes it seem like he has a plethora of playing cards for your perusal. "Take as few or as many as you like." Playing cards for all my friends. Take some for your relatives. Take an extra pack for the ride home. Does your dog play cards? Take a pack for him - good boy. They're all Molson decks and he only has three of them. The choices seem a little limited to me.

Shower Stall Curtain
"White vinyl shower stall curtain. Metal reinforcements, mildew resistant. Measures 48" wide, was too narrow for my shower stall."

Oh my god, is this a magic shower curtain. Let me get this straight, metal reinforcements AND mildew resistant. Usually it's one or the other. He must have bought this in Kazakhstan because that's the only country where you can get a quality shower curtain like this one.

Last of the Europe Pictures

The last two places I went were Munich and Amsterdam - loved Munich, hated Amsterdam. I'm not even entirely sure why I liked Munich so much. I didn't do a whole lot there but the city was extremely clean, everyone was polite and the air conditioning in my hotel room was top notch - pretty much a diametric opposite of Rome. Amsterdam may be a stoner's paradise but for a straight upstanding citizen such as myself I didn't approve of all the drugs and carrying-on.

Munich - Where they do Gothic right.




This is the entrance to the Dachau concentration camp. The gate says "Arbeit Macht Frei" which translates as "work shall set you free". This makes much more sense than my translation of "all workers must wash hands".


A memorial at the concentration camp.


The Michelin Man's older, handsomer, smarter and thinner older brother. Oooh how the Michelin Man hates him.


If memory serves, this one was taken in Amsterdam


You'll have to click to enlarge the picture and see all that the club offers but "ficken auf der buhne" is one of their specialities. You don't even want to know what that translates to.


The hidden staircase leading up to the attic where Anne Frank and her family hid. I don't know why it was so hard to find them, there were signs all over the place.

Dirty, Dirty Rome

Rome was the place I'm least likely to visit again. The city was dirty, the trains were filthy and the lineups were insane. The reason popes are so old is probably because they have to wait in line outside the Vatican before they're ordained.

The history of Rome is of course extremely interesting and there are ruins everywhere which are pretty cool to look at but the city is so run down you don't know if you're looking at an ancient ruin or a slumlord's building.

Here are some shots of St. Peter's Basilica. It doesn't look very crowded because most of the people waiting have expired and been carted away to be fed to the jackals.


A closeup of the roof of St. Peter's Basilica. Some of the figures are holding crosses as a subtle reminder that Jesus was crucified. Come on kids, it's been 2000 years, how about stopping your bellyaching.


I think this is a statue of St. Peter. Whoever it is he looks very judgmental.


Assorted fountains and ruins.












This statue amuses me. Obviously the sculptor ran out of time and thought "what are the most recognizable features of this guy? His face would be good to show and probably his penis, everyone remembers his penis."


Vatican Museum - for those who can't translate the Latin inscription.


You'll have to click on this picture to enlarge it but pretty much right in the middle is a poster stating that you're not allowed to wear bathing suits in the museum. After waiting four days in line in the scorching heat you're damn lucky I'm wearing anything.


One of the ceilings in the Vatican museum. You're not allowed to take any photos of the Sistine Chapel which is the main thing I wanted to take pictures of but this is still pretty cool.


This is from the tomb of the unknown soldier. I just like this shot.


The Colosseum.


Inside the Colosseum.



Apparently these guys didn't hear that the Empire fell.